Want Your Friends To Stop Re-Dating That Horrible Ex? Tell Them To Get Married!

Wanna hear something weird that is probably explained in many a psych lecture across America? But I’ve never been in said lectures, so I find it amusing, if not somewhat frightening.

Back when I was in high school, my sister told me about this girl she worked with who freaked out about her boyfriend and ran up a major highway on-ramp. I’m not sure what she was trying to prove, but to this day, over fifteen years later, our friends still refer to that. And still set that as a marker for crazy in a relationship.

Marriage: Finding A Family And Babies And A Real Life?

OK, I’m not a fan of Kim Kardashian, but I also don’t hate her. Her voice annoys me, but otherwise, I’m neutral on the subject. Since there’s not much else going on in celebrity gossip these days, I have read a little about her marriage and divorce. I won’t speculate on whether the marriage was a sham, the divorce is a ratings grabber, or if the Kardashians are evil. I don’t really care. Hollywood is Hollywood. What irks me is part of Kim’s statement:

“Everyone that knows me knows that I’m a hopeless romantic! I love with all of my heart and soul. I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed in to something too soon. I believed in love and the dream of what I wanted so badly.”

So, here’s the thing. I think lots of girls are searching for the “family and babies and a real life” when they get married. It floors me that Kim, as tight as she claims her family is, was searching for that. I’m not saying the statement was fabricated. I don’t care if it was. The thing is, THIS is why many people get married to the wrong person. Would I love to be married to an awesome dude who gets me, makes me laugh, and treats me great? Absolutely. Can I marry any schmuck on the street who shows interest and hope he becomes that person? No. But this is what many women (and even men) do. They’re trying to create something with the wrong ingredients. Can you make a cake if you don’t have flour or eggs or sugar? Probably not. Sure there are crappy vegan versions of cake that are OK. But if you want real cake, the moist kind grandma makes, then you can’t half-ass the recipe with substitutions for the key ingredients. Trust me, I’ve had those cakes. You’re better off with the real deal. Even if it means waiting two weeks (in marriage terms years and years) until you can find all of the perfect ingredients (in marriage terms, the right person).

I don’t want to be eating crappy pseudo-cake the rest of my life. And I also don’t want to be married to the wrong man. Plus, really, I don’t even know Kris Humphries. Or whoever he is. But the very little I’ve seen of him, he’s been a douche. That’s like substituting salt for sugar in your cake. I’m surprised she lasted 72 days.

People Getting Divorced Are Annoying!

OK, I’m just gonna throw this out there. And I won’t apologize. People getting divorced are ANNOYING. They mope around acting all distraught and incapable of functioning. All this lack of ability to carry on in the workplace, however, suspiciously doesn’t leave them inept to run their spouse through the ringer, trying to get every last cent out of him or her. After a healthy dose of this moping and screwing, they act like work is a nuisance in their life. But THEN bitch incessantly about not having any money because living alone is so expensive. They’re a big, fat bundle of moping, screwing, whining, penniless, lonely joy. I love it. I wish the divorce rate were 90%!

Let’s face it, if something has a 50% chance of failure, would you buy it? Are you going to buy a TV that has a 50% chance of being defective? Would you board a plan that has a 50% chance of crashing? Or have something shipped that has a 50% chance of not arriving? Even if you love that TV, vacation or package (no pun intended) more than anything in the entire world? And you’d never felt that way about a TV, vacation or package? I mean, sure, marriage is great when it works. But half the time it doesn’t.

So here’s the deal, almost-divorced. I’m done with it. We single people have to deal with your moping, and whining, and woe-is-meing when you’re not talking to your attorney eighty-seven times a day. I mean, how much can REALLY change throughout the day? You’d think you were signing a peace treaty amongst fifty countries who keep shifting positions. It’s two people. Separating out a few years of crap you’ve accumulated. I could divide all of the crap I’ve accumulated my entire life between three people I now hate with every fiber of my being in about a half hour. And the shit you’re dividing up? They’re probably wedding gifts I paid for. Oh, and shower gifts. And housewarming gifts. And baby gifts. And the other whatnots I’ve bought for all of my friends throughout the years.

And what’s with the hating? One day you’re “happily” married. And the next you hate this person. Hate them so much you want to make sure they don’t get a penny more than you. Or that you don’t have to pay for more than half of the childcare or worry about the $1000 credit card you accumulated together but was now suddenly her idea. How does that happen? Sure, I’ve had friends come in and out of my life. Some in more dramatic waves than others. But I don’t ever want to maliciously hurt someone. I don’t want to “get my fair share” out of them. It’s ridiculous. And in most cases the ones hurt the most by your selfish display of greed and revenge are your children, the only ones I feel sorry for in this mess. My parents, thankfully, never divorced. But had they, and had they acted like this, I don’t think I’d carry the respect for them I do if I had witnessed them acting like you.

And let me tell you something else! You do NOT harbor any sympathy with us (by us, I mean single people) when you say, “I’m all alone.” Or “I can’t believe I have to do this myself.” Or, “What if I never find someone else?” Excuse me? Really? You’re talking to the girl who’s NEVER found anyone worth keeping around. I don’t have anyone to split my car or house payment with. Or to fix me dinner or mow my lawn. Or to help clean my house. Them’s the breaks, kid!

Will I ever get married? I don’t know. Will I ever get divorced? By writing this, I’m probably guaranteeing it. But I’m sick of effin’ hearing about it! You’re an adult. Work it out.