People Getting Divorced Are Annoying!

OK, I’m just gonna throw this out there. And I won’t apologize. People getting divorced are ANNOYING. They mope around acting all distraught and incapable of functioning. All this lack of ability to carry on in the workplace, however, suspiciously doesn’t leave them inept to run their spouse through the ringer, trying to get every last cent out of him or her. After a healthy dose of this moping and screwing, they act like work is a nuisance in their life. But THEN bitch incessantly about not having any money because living alone is so expensive. They’re a big, fat bundle of moping, screwing, whining, penniless, lonely joy. I love it. I wish the divorce rate were 90%!

Let’s face it, if something has a 50% chance of failure, would you buy it? Are you going to buy a TV that has a 50% chance of being defective? Would you board a plan that has a 50% chance of crashing? Or have something shipped that has a 50% chance of not arriving? Even if you love that TV, vacation or package (no pun intended) more than anything in the entire world? And you’d never felt that way about a TV, vacation or package? I mean, sure, marriage is great when it works. But half the time it doesn’t.

So here’s the deal, almost-divorced. I’m done with it. We single people have to deal with your moping, and whining, and woe-is-meing when you’re not talking to your attorney eighty-seven times a day. I mean, how much can REALLY change throughout the day? You’d think you were signing a peace treaty amongst fifty countries who keep shifting positions. It’s two people. Separating out a few years of crap you’ve accumulated. I could divide all of the crap I’ve accumulated my entire life between three people I now hate with every fiber of my being in about a half hour. And the shit you’re dividing up? They’re probably wedding gifts I paid for. Oh, and shower gifts. And housewarming gifts. And baby gifts. And the other whatnots I’ve bought for all of my friends throughout the years.

And what’s with the hating? One day you’re “happily” married. And the next you hate this person. Hate them so much you want to make sure they don’t get a penny more than you. Or that you don’t have to pay for more than half of the childcare or worry about the $1000 credit card you accumulated together but was now suddenly her idea. How does that happen? Sure, I’ve had friends come in and out of my life. Some in more dramatic waves than others. But I don’t ever want to maliciously hurt someone. I don’t want to “get my fair share” out of them. It’s ridiculous. And in most cases the ones hurt the most by your selfish display of greed and revenge are your children, the only ones I feel sorry for in this mess. My parents, thankfully, never divorced. But had they, and had they acted like this, I don’t think I’d carry the respect for them I do if I had witnessed them acting like you.

And let me tell you something else! You do NOT harbor any sympathy with us (by us, I mean single people) when you say, “I’m all alone.” Or “I can’t believe I have to do this myself.” Or, “What if I never find someone else?” Excuse me? Really? You’re talking to the girl who’s NEVER found anyone worth keeping around. I don’t have anyone to split my car or house payment with. Or to fix me dinner or mow my lawn. Or to help clean my house. Them’s the breaks, kid!

Will I ever get married? I don’t know. Will I ever get divorced? By writing this, I’m probably guaranteeing it. But I’m sick of effin’ hearing about it! You’re an adult. Work it out.