NEWS FLASH! Fighting is Drama for Everyone, Not Just the Fighter and the Fightee

Everyone knows “that couple” that fights constantly, especially when they’ve been drinking. They’re the ones who turn an otherwise great night into one scarred by unnecessary, childish drama. My friends who are “that couple” seem relatively sane when they’re sober. And through the majority of the night they are a normal, happy couple. But before the end of the night it’s inevibale. They ALWAYS fight. And it’s always about something ridiculous. And others always get dragged into it. Whether it’s to mediate because the drama’s grown physical (slamming doors, throwing things, etc.) or because they’ve taken low blows at each other using someone else as a verbal weapon, “Well, so-and-so said THIS about you!”

I guess I don’t understand 1. Why anyone would continue to date someone they always fight with and 2. Why they have these arguments drunk? Why am I the only one looking for someone I’m happy with? Drinking’s probably not the healthiest way to spend the night, but it’s certainly fun. And why would you want to be with someone who makes fun so, well, UN-fun? Or would it be insane for said couple to reason, “We’ve been drinking, let’s talk about this when we’re sober.” Even if it means one person sleeps on the couch. Or goes to their own place.

And the worst part is they don’t ever seem to work anything out! They SAY they do. They act like they were the only ones inconvenienced. And they drop back into their pseudo perfect existence.

And the problem with young, single people is there’s a reasonable (OK, fairly regular) amount of drinking. Which means there’s a lot of drama witnessing. Sometimes I find a way to escape it (go to another room, another bar, home, outside), but I’m to the point that I feel like I shouldn’t have to adjust my behavior because they’re childish. Look, your relationship is a mess. I’ve told you it’s not fun to be around. Next I’m going to tell you you’re selfish, childish and stupid. Is that what you really want?

For those of you in relationships like this, take my word for it. People DO NOT like being around you. People are making excuses to avoid you. And pretty soon, people are going to not want to talk to you about anything involving your significant other. Resentment will set in. Then you will only have said significant other to hang out with. But the good news is you can fight to your little selfish hearts’ contents, without pissing anyone (like me!) off!

People Getting Divorced Are Annoying!

OK, I’m just gonna throw this out there. And I won’t apologize. People getting divorced are ANNOYING. They mope around acting all distraught and incapable of functioning. All this lack of ability to carry on in the workplace, however, suspiciously doesn’t leave them inept to run their spouse through the ringer, trying to get every last cent out of him or her. After a healthy dose of this moping and screwing, they act like work is a nuisance in their life. But THEN bitch incessantly about not having any money because living alone is so expensive. They’re a big, fat bundle of moping, screwing, whining, penniless, lonely joy. I love it. I wish the divorce rate were 90%!

Let’s face it, if something has a 50% chance of failure, would you buy it? Are you going to buy a TV that has a 50% chance of being defective? Would you board a plan that has a 50% chance of crashing? Or have something shipped that has a 50% chance of not arriving? Even if you love that TV, vacation or package (no pun intended) more than anything in the entire world? And you’d never felt that way about a TV, vacation or package? I mean, sure, marriage is great when it works. But half the time it doesn’t.

So here’s the deal, almost-divorced. I’m done with it. We single people have to deal with your moping, and whining, and woe-is-meing when you’re not talking to your attorney eighty-seven times a day. I mean, how much can REALLY change throughout the day? You’d think you were signing a peace treaty amongst fifty countries who keep shifting positions. It’s two people. Separating out a few years of crap you’ve accumulated. I could divide all of the crap I’ve accumulated my entire life between three people I now hate with every fiber of my being in about a half hour. And the shit you’re dividing up? They’re probably wedding gifts I paid for. Oh, and shower gifts. And housewarming gifts. And baby gifts. And the other whatnots I’ve bought for all of my friends throughout the years.

And what’s with the hating? One day you’re “happily” married. And the next you hate this person. Hate them so much you want to make sure they don’t get a penny more than you. Or that you don’t have to pay for more than half of the childcare or worry about the $1000 credit card you accumulated together but was now suddenly her idea. How does that happen? Sure, I’ve had friends come in and out of my life. Some in more dramatic waves than others. But I don’t ever want to maliciously hurt someone. I don’t want to “get my fair share” out of them. It’s ridiculous. And in most cases the ones hurt the most by your selfish display of greed and revenge are your children, the only ones I feel sorry for in this mess. My parents, thankfully, never divorced. But had they, and had they acted like this, I don’t think I’d carry the respect for them I do if I had witnessed them acting like you.

And let me tell you something else! You do NOT harbor any sympathy with us (by us, I mean single people) when you say, “I’m all alone.” Or “I can’t believe I have to do this myself.” Or, “What if I never find someone else?” Excuse me? Really? You’re talking to the girl who’s NEVER found anyone worth keeping around. I don’t have anyone to split my car or house payment with. Or to fix me dinner or mow my lawn. Or to help clean my house. Them’s the breaks, kid!

Will I ever get married? I don’t know. Will I ever get divorced? By writing this, I’m probably guaranteeing it. But I’m sick of effin’ hearing about it! You’re an adult. Work it out.

Is This Really It?

Some people remember the birth of their first child, or the first time they stuck their toes in the ocean with complete clarity. Me? I can’t forget where I was or how I felt when I suddenly realized, “Is this really it?” I’d worked hard my whole life to do well in school, excel at work, and to make my own way independently. Suddenly, at 26, I’d accomplished everything I had in my “long-term” plan. I don’t know how it happened or why I didn’t have anything else on my goals radar. But suddenly, here I was. Everything I thought I’d ever wanted to do was done. I was so disappointed I started crying. And then became overwhelmed with the guilt of knowing very few people can say they’ve accomplished what I had and here I was unhappy. I didn’t want to be that girl so I buried it down and pretended to be happy. Well, that and I hate listening to people complain about something without a solution. And I didn’t have a solution. So I wasn’t going to personify my own pet peeve.

Apparently I thought when I accomplished all of this I would have simultaneously captured the elusive goal of happiness. And before you say, “Money can’t buy you happiness.” I KNOW that. It was never about money other than from a financially secure standpoint. All I was trying to do was be successful in order to have a secure future, depending only on myself.

I guess it all goes back to my very first boyfriend. I was so naïve. First, I honestly thought a person could only fall in love once. I thought a person’s heart was only capable of loving one person, ever. That’s the only way marriage made sense to me. I thought once you find a person who you fall in love with and that person falls in love with you, that’s it. The perfect match. Destiny. He and I were going to get married. I’m not even sure if I ever really considered what our future would be like, but I was sure I loved him. He pushed the relationship with aggression, dragging me along unsure and frightened. And, ironically, just as I was starting to catch my footing and feel like things were right, he dumped me. At 19 years old the “love of my life” quit. And I had three simultaneous thoughts. First, of course I was pissed and embarrassed. These two emotions are commonly one in the story of my life. Second, I was literally disabled with heartache. I couldn’t function and didn’t want to talk about it. He couldn’t leave. He was my one and only. I’d wasted my love card on him. He took it and left. Third, in the back of my mind I knew I’d dodged a bullet. What if we had gotten married and had a few kids and THEN he left? I was in college but not really taking it seriously. All I saw was getting married and being a housewife. Not that that’s not a respectable thing, of course. But had he left, I wouldn’t have been prepared to take care of myself, or our imaginary children. What was I thinking?

So I set out to secure my future. Focused on college and my career, I worked as hard as I could. I tackled every new project I could get my hands on. I learned as much as I could. And I pushed myself up the ladder. I got my MBA and got a big title.

And we’ve circled back around to where this story begins. All I thought I needed was to find that security and everything else was easy. The only problem was I didn’t know what “everything else” was. And nothing is easy, especially the day-to-day monotony of life. And it’s not that my job sucks. I have a great job. It’s that I was looking ahead of myself and saw the same days over and over. And for what? I’d work my butt off for a paycheck. Sure my employer appreciated me. Sort of. But they weren’t going to be there when I was sick or growing old. They weren’t going to be there when I was lonely. And I was. Lonely, that is. I

’d discovered work is work, and it’s only fulfilling at work.

So, that’s the start of my bitter, cynical story. Oh, sure. I’ve always been cynical. And somewhat bitter. But my bitter cynicism had reached new heights. And I wanted to capture how I’m feeling now not only as a therapeutic outlet so my friends don’t have to listen to me bitch anymore. But also as a warning for those of you about to walk down the same path as me. Was the path I’ve taken right? I think it was. But the focus I had walking down the path, ignoring everything around me, is where I think I went wrong. I can’t fix what I’ve missed, but I can try to find whatever it is my life is missing. And I’ll say right now, I don’t think what I’m looking for is a guy (or girl!). Sure, a guy would be nice. But I think there’s more to this story. At least I hope so. Otherwise I’ll be bored.