Archive for January, 2010

This Is The Effin’ Situation: Jersey Shore Is Ova

The hour season finale started out boring because it involved Ronnie and Sammi. I despise Sammi. Not because she is who she is, but because everyone lets her be the way she is without calling her on it. Am I the only person who wants to punch her in the throat? Last week she stirred up more shit, therefore stirring up Ronnie until he KOed a dude, with “one shot, one shot.” The cops hauled him off to jail. Snooki, mid-post-drunk eating was ever the good friend, taking care of Sammi because apparently Sammi’s both annoying and fucking stupid. She can’t even figure out who to call. I don’t think Snooki really cared considering Ronnie hasn’t given anyone in the house the time of day since he attached his bitchy ball and chain. Regardless, she finds out Ronnie’s released at 6:30AM. It’s 3:30AM.  Pour some shots of SoCo! We have three hours to kill.

Sammi: “How did this happen to me?”
Snooki: “YOU?!?! How did this happen to YOU?!!? Don’t make me shove tampons up your nose.”
Sammi: “I can’t believe I have to sleep alone.”
Snooki: “I can’t believe your selfish bitch ass gets ANYONE to sleep with her. Fuck my life.”
Sammi: “He better apologize for ruining my life.”
Snooki: “You’re ruining everyone’s life. Fuck my life.”

Or we’ll go to bed. And not set an alarm. You KNOW Ronnie would have been at the police station at 6:15AM, waiting for Sammi. What’s she doing at 9AM? Sleeping. Insert inappropriate c-word here.

So, she rolls in and picks him up. He’s not even mad. Which, I suppose, he doesn’t really have a right to be because it was his roid rage (and Sammi, but he doesn’t realize it) who got him into this mess. They get back to the house and she’s mad at Ronnie and tells him to not do this to her again. He apologizes. She says she had to sleep alone. He apologizes again. I guess roids really do shrink your shit cause this dude has no balls. Get it together, Ronnie. America has no respect for you.

Sammi: “God, we’re so interesting. Look how sexy I am.”
Ronnie: “I’m sorry.”
Sammi: “What?”
Ronnie: “Oh, I wasn’t listening. I assumed I’d done something wrong again.”
Sammi: “You’ve traumatized me! Trauma! Terror! That’s it. I’m done. I can’t be disrespected.”
Ronnie: “I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m sorry.”
Sammi: “Bitch.”
Ronnie: “What?”
Sammi: “Nothing.”
Ronnie: “I’m sorry.”

Alright, on to other things. It’s still the last weekend in the house. The Situation has run out of legally-aged girls to sleep with so he’s creeping after some underage chicks. Everyone’s judgmental. Snooki snooks back to the house to call “monotone Keith” (according to Jwow). He blows her off. My heart breaks a little for her. She really liked the dude, monotone (read: boring) or not. And apparently he wasn’t as into a Snickers break as he should have been. So she walks down the boardwalk. And in a perfect storm of cameras (which I love that she talks to, by the way), booze, heartache and embarrassment, Snooki starts her own dance party. She claims there were lots of people watching. If by watching you mean taking wide detours to avoid her and pointing and laughing, sure she had an audience.

“There are so many people watching me. Wait, that’s just one person. It just looks like more because I am hammered. Wait, I think she’s actually judging. SoCo! I need more SoCO!”

In traditional Snickers luck, this would be when she has to see “that ex.” You know the one, the one you’re not over. The one you only see when you’re way too drunk, in sweats, without makeup, having the worst bed head. It doesn’t matter. You never see them at a sexy moment. She tries to get him to give her some attention, and she’s denied. Again. Poor thing. It sucks she doesn’t have any decent friends to bitch at and get hammered with. Because that’s what friends are for. And the guys, who would have probably done the same, are at some “Chuck-e-Cheese for dudes.” Whatever that means. All it means is another public venue for The Situation to beg for some attention.

Situation: “So, uh… Since we can’t get chicks you guys wanna make out?”
Vinny: “What? No. I already made out with your sister. It would be weird.”
Situation: “Listen, this is the fuckin’ situation.”
Pauly D:  “I’d really rather beat up the beat and dry hump JWoww. Where is that ho?”
Situation:  “She’s resting from 3 minutes with The Situation. I rocked the lizard tongue.”
Vinny: “Um, about that. Gross. Your sister does the same thing.”
Situation: “I taught her how to kiss. She’s the fuckin’ Situationette.”
Pauly D: “I can’t listen to this conversation with just my water bottle filled with vodka. Let’s go see what Snooks is doing. I love her.”
Vinny: “Do her already.”
Pauly D: “Isn’t she a grenade?”
Situation: “You tap it or I will. Girl needs it pounded up in her once on The Shore.”
Pauly D: “Let’s run the train on her.”
Situation: “OK, I’ll prime her for lovin’. You guys meet me in the hot tub.”
Vinny: “I’ve never had sex.”
Pauly D: “That’s OK, you’ll get an STD in the hot tub. No one will ever know.”

They finally get back to the house and at this point the small letdown of Keith and Lance or Justin (or whatever the ex’s name was) has spiraled into a full-blown, ego-busted breakdown. I can relate. One guy, who’s not even worth your time in the first place, turns you down. And if you don’t have the right person to speak realistically to you, you start to question your entire self-worth. Especially if you’ve had a sailor’s share of alcohol and are less than five foot.

In a rare moment of being a real friend, The Situation steps up and says the guys are all hanging out at home without any non-roomies (he fails to mention because they can’t get any non-roomies, but that’s beside the point, and probably better for Snooks anyway), and tells her she can give him the big “fuck off.” Or something like that. Solid advice, I think. He even said that’s what he has to do when a girl isn’t in to him. Two points for The Sitch. Of course, he still hasn’t worked himself out of the douchebag hole he’s created, but that’s beside the point.

Hell yeah, best revenge, ever. You make my room smell like one of your grenade’s underwear crept up under my bed and started reproducing STDs and I’ll put a shirt on a stuffed animal. I’m so bad ass. He’s gonna be so mad.

They all head inside. Talk about how they, including Pauly D who’s sexy as hell (according to Vinny or Mike, I’m not sure which), can’t get dates. Chill for awhile. Drink for awhile. Snooki and The Situation end up in the hot tub, with Mike taking off Snook’s bikini. They have a near-porn-style makeout, lizard tongues and all. It ended with a hair tug. If Snooki had been able to not laugh at that move (no respectable girl could, even a trashy drunk Snooki), they would have had crazy animal sex. I think The Situation is one of those dudes who plays romantic, but all he knows is what he’s seen in porns. I’ve dated those guys. It’s not pretty. Not sexy. And not normal. The only girls who go for that are whores. I’m just sayin’. Good for you Snooki for laughing it off. And while it got played like he rejected her, I think her not taking his pornographic moves seriously is what actually ended the tryst.

Snooki: “Fuck my life.”
Situation: “Let me get this lizard tongue working.”
Snooki: “What IS that?”
Situation: “That’s the fuckin’ situation.”
Snooki: “Fuck my life. Fuck my life.”
Situation: “Nom, nom, nom.”
Snooki: “Did you just pull my hair?”
Situation: “You liked it didn’t you?”
Snooki: “Yes? No? What am I supposed to say? Fuck my life.”
Situation: “I’ll fuck your life.”
Snooki: “Ummmmmm….”
Situation: “Alright, I coulda hit you, but you’re like my sister. I’m out.”
Snooki: “For once, don’t fuck my life.”

Then there’s a boring mushy BBQ, followed by a boring mushy last morning on the couch reminiscing. Hug, hug, hug. Tears, tears, tears. They all leave separately (which is so weird because they all had their own cars and normal people would have walked out together). Show’s over. Fade to black.

Situation: “So, whadda ya say, Vin? Wanna hit The Situation before heading back to Momma’s house?”
Vinny: “Nah, dude.”
Situation: “I figured not. I’m trying to “waste” a rejection so it ups my chances on the next attempt.”
Vinny: “Copacetic.”

What’d you think of the finale “situation?” Think they’ll bring these guys back for a second season? Have a second season with new people? Hopefully I’m wrong, but I think either way, nothing will measure up to this season because it was fresh, new, and these guys didn’t have any reason to act a certain way. They were raw and uninhibited. I don’t think even this group could act normal again. Well, their normal. But you know where I’m going. It was a sweet run, but I think it’s over, kids. Let’s fight off the beat one last time and pump our fists. If you need me, I’ll be at the gym, tanning, or catching up on laundry. Ham.


Snooki’s Not Trashy. Well, Except When She’s Drunk. And She Generally Is.

Before you get all screamy with me, I’m squarely and fully on Team Snooki. She’s the best thing that’s happened to my life since, well, maybe ever. I know our love affair will be short and sweet, but in true Snooki fashion, I need to live this moment hard and have no regrets.

So, Snooki, who has been amped on meeting a juiced guido since the start finally met a nice farm boy (farthest thing from a guido, says Snooks) and I think she legitimately liked him. Awww, yay for Snickers! She’s finally found the nougat in her life. Well, at least for now. The point is Snooki’s a good person. Sure she said if some dude was gonna climb on top of her she wouldn’t make him get off, but she also finally admitted she hasn’t had sex the entire episode and is looking to settle down. At least she admits it. And she sure as hell has fun finding a dude! I have to give her credit for being the same girl in front of the dudes she meets as she is in the house. Legit move, Snooks. Heart it. So, she’s riding the cowboy. Well , a piggy back ride, don’t get your panties in a bunch and let your crotch show. And she tells him he has to put her down because she’s “not trashy. Well, except when I’m drunk.” Well said. And you know she’s cool as hell because when Mike and Pauly are looking for something to do at the end of the night, they want to wake her up. I think Pauly has a thing for Snicks, but more on that later.

“Alright, cowboy, my crotch is showing. Either you need to pull this pony over so I can get off, or I need about twelve shots of SoCo so I can allow myself to be trashy.”

Later (or earlier, I can’t remember) The Situation is hooking up with some inialiated girl in the hot tub. They’re going to have to bring in a HazMat team to clean that damn thing. And they’re going at it and I start to get bored because it’s the same thing, ever week. And then… THEN!! l I see him stick his tongue out like he’s trying to lick out the bottom of a Snack Pack. Disgusting! Worst. Kisser. Ever! No wonder the girls are one and done. It’s not him shutting them down. It’s him turning them off. Here’s a tip, Mikey: Find a friend (my top choice is our girl, Snickers, more on that later, also) and get some kissing lessons. No girl wants a bad kisser. And only a small portion will stick around to train someone. Especially someone like him who thinks he’s always right. I honestly can’t believe he gets so many girls to go home with him. But I guess when you’re drunk you don’t always connect the dots. Especially at the Jersey Shore, bitch!

“I’m The Fuckin’ Situation. I don’t mind being the worst kisser, you know why? Because that means I’m the best at being the worst. That’s the situation. I get the ladies. Line ’em up. I’ll Snack Pack all of you!”

The group goes to Atlantic City and gets hammered. Just like at “home.” The night was fairly boring except for these five highlights:

  1. Snickers making herself a bubble bath and talks to the cameras while drinking wine (because everyone else was too boring to do anything)
  2. Mike’s a douchebag at dinner and calls Snooki fat. I have to admit, if I hadn’t seen the previews, I wouldn’t have expected it to happen. Low-life move, bro.
  3. Snooki falls off the back of a booth. Television gold.
  4. JWoww pulls a bitch move and tries to cock block Mike because SHE drank too much. Now, I’m sure plenty of people will argue that Mike should have been a friend and left with her, but the thing is, the club will call her a cab and the door guys will make sure she makes it from the door into the cab. And when you arrive at a hotel, the door guys there always see you get out of the cab and into the hotel. It wasn’t like she was at the shore and had to walk six blocks alone. Go be a self-centered ho, JWow. For once I’m on Team The Situation. She’s totally out of line when she punches him and I can’t figure out why the show didn’t send her bitch ass home. That’s what they’ve done in previous seasons, no questions asked.
  5. The girl The Situation and Vinny were sharing was the “hottest girl in the bar.” And she was ugly. Made me feel prettier than I ever have. Nice.

And finally, the best part of the two-hour episode? Pauly and his stalker girl, and everything involved. I think her name was Danielle or something? But I call her Israeli, like Pauly does. He meets her at a bar, lays down some decent game, brings her back to the house and she shuts him down saying she can’t have sex with him until they get married. Here’s crazy girl warning sign number one: when she says “we get married” she’s already sucked onto you like a leach. Run. Fast. Normal girls say, “I’m not having sex until I get married.” And whether or not she has premarital sex does NOT make her crazy in my book, honestly. Good for her.

“Pauly, I know we’ve only know each other for about 20 minutes. But I can’t imagine my life without you. Literally. Will you marry me? We can have sex once we’re married. Please? Please!??! PLEASE! Oh, just fucking do it!”

So, what seems like a few nights later he and Vinny are chilling with three girls on the boardwalk, and suddenly there she is. She acts like a jealous girlfriend. They kiss. He says he’ll call her. Then she shows up a second time. This time with an “I love Jewish girls” shirt. First of all, what guy’s gonna rock that shirt? Second of all, haven’t you only met once? Third of all, are you serious with the shirt? She kisses him again. Tries to pretend like they’ve been together for years. Threatens to not call him if he doesn’t call her. And leaves. The third appearance is as Pauly gets off of a ride with one of the three previously mentioned girls. Initially I think MTV’s playing some wild editing trick. But Pauly says, “At this point, I’ve said bye to her three times.” Seriously, have a little self-respect, sister. You’ve met dude once. If you have to play the crazy card now, you need to find someone else.

“So, baby, here’s what I did. I know the whole religion difference was way too deep on a first drunken night at the Love Shack. So, what I’ve done, which will obviously smooth this over, is I’ve made this horribly gaudy shirt. It says “JEWISH GIRLS” on it. I think seeing that will help you transition nicely to an Italian Jewish husband. Because we’re getting married. So stop looking at other girls. Well, stop looking at anything. And stop breathing. Just come back to my place so I can tie you up. But don’t get any funny ideas. We’re not rockin’ the love boat ’til you put a ring on it. Why are those girls, who you are no longer looking at by the way, acting like I’m crazy? I’m not crazy. I’M NOT!! I’m not crazy! I am your girl. We’re together. We kissed. That means we’re engaged. I bought a ring at the Jewish shirt store. It’s really pretty. It has a red, white and green stone. It’s so pretty. Like me. I would walk away, but I’ll miss you so much. I’ll call you. No, I won’t. You call me. No, I’ll call you anyway. Well, you know if you’d just fucking marry me already, we wouldn’t be having this fight. No, you CAN’T talk.”

Vinny and Pauly get home (alone, mind you) and the duck’s quacking. At first Pauly says not to answer. Then he says to. Then he says not to. Then he tells Vinny to be The Situation. This, folks, introduces my most entertaining moment of the entire two-episode stretch: Vinny imitating Pauly. The fact that she knows it’s Mike freaks me out a little. If she’s only been to the house once, how’s she know dude’s voice? Anyway, Vinny’s impersonation? GOLD! I have a tiny crushlet on him now! He annoys the shit out of Danielle, typical Situation fashion, and she hangs up. Then calls back again, and again, and again, and again. Until they take the duck off the hook. Thank God. Next day she calls and calls Mike “Michael.” First, I think he actually prefers to be called “The Situation.” Second choice seems to be Mike or maybe Mikey? But Michael. Crazy girl warning sign number two: Any girl that calls a guy by his full name is fucking insane! If you or your friends go by a shortened name and she calls you or them by their full name, CRAZY. I promise. I’ve been following this theory since high school and it’s always on-point.

Finally, they go to the club. Crazy McPsycho materializes out of nowhere, insanity blazing in her eyes. She and Pauly fight and fight and fight. And while I think he’s smoothly manipulating her so SHE’LL dump him (because, really, who wants THAT girl?), they leave together. And he says he likes a challenge. A challenge to what? Survive her cutting your balls off? Literally. Yikes. I’ve never been more confused.

That’s all I’ve got for the actual episodes. Now on to the bonus clips! Yes, I watched bonus clips, I admit it. It was some douche interviewing The Situation, Pauly and  Snooki. Like I mentioned above, after I saw Pauly want to wake Snooki up I was like, “That’s weird….” And then during the interview I got a weird vibe/tension from him. I think he actually has feelings for her! And Snooki’s too naïve to realize it. Too bad the show obviously ended before that materialized. And it probably never would, anyway. Knowing Pauly D, he cares more about someone that looks like JWow (and will put up with how she acts, enter Israeli for proof) than someone who looks like Snooki, even though she’s cool as shit. But I digress. There’s no changing that.

In other news, apparently Snooki has hooked up with the world’s worst kisser on at least one occasion. So maybe she’s already teaching him to not be such a snaggle tongue. Maybe if he could keep a girl around he’d stop being a douche. I said maybe, people.

“I don’t have the first damn clue how funny I am. I just know I think The Situation is a fucking douchebag. But guess what? The joke’s on him, I railed his sister. Yup. Sister is to railed as Pauly is to lying to you. Wait. No, what I meant is as Pauly is to husband material. You’re awesome and not crazy. At all. No, I won’t rob you from Pauly. No one will. I can’t figure out why he’s even talking to you. Good luck with that, Pauly. I mean, he’s lucky, that Pauly.”

Being A Guido At The Jersey Shore Comes Down To Three Letters: G.T.L.

Wow! Or, JWOWW, if you will! Last night’s episode? Ah-mazing! How do I even being to break it all down?

First, does anyone else want to beat the crap out of Sammi with a blow-up hammer? Because that girl needs it. She’s a mess. She’s a diva. She’s a manipulator. She has an annoying voice. And if she cries one more effin’ time for something that is either stupid or self-inflicted, I swear I’ll take the hammer to Ronnie, too. Jesus.

Second, Vinny. How can every girl not have a little tiny crush on him? He’s so real. Sure he’s a momma’s boy and that’s a deal breaker, but he’s a nice dude. And he’s not as much of a poser (considering his company). Anyone who marries that guy is screwed because they’ll be the new Vinny’s Momma, but still. His family seems cool (but likely not very receptive to intruders). And his take on the Gym, Tanning, Laundry was hilarious. I agree, those things don’t sound fun. And I’d rather play basketball, play pool and go to the beach, too.

Third, oh, my sweet, sweet Snickers bar. She and Sammi are the queens of causing bullshit, then feeling sorry for themselves about it later. And I guess it’s a perfect match because the guys seem to enjoy the bullshit. And seem to enjoy sopping up their tears of self-inflicted pain. Snickers, Snickers, Snickers. If you don’t wanna get hit here’s some advice: Stop antagonizing people and getting in their faces. Or take Pauly’s advice and take karate lessons. Or at the very least learn to duck. Does she have a right to yell and stand up for herself? Sure. Is it annoying as hell when she cries when she gets hit? Undoubtedly.

Fourth, I think it’s hilarious how quickly word of The Situation’s “situation” traveled the boardwalk! He couldn’t get laid if he were at a brothel. And it serves his nasty ass right.

Finally, is it sad I’m developing a tiny crush on Pauly? He’s SO not my type, but he’s legit. He speaks the truth, is hot enough to bag the girls he goes after, and is funny. Except for the G.T.L., fist pounding, and well, every other thing about his outward façade, I think he’s sexy. Confident, a good friend, and never causing drama. Well, maybe not never. But he’s pretty chill. My crush-o-meter ticked up a few marks when he tried to stop the douche-baggery before it started at the bar. Well played, Pauly. With the unexpected, come from behind (only not literally, I’m a good girl, I don’t slut it out at The Shore) win I think Pauly has officially stolen my vote for best dude.

Til next time, I’ll be fist pumpin’ like a champ.

Get Outta My Way, I Need To Go Tanning!

Am I the only person on this planet whose life feels most fulfilled when I’m watching Jersey Shore? The show freaking rules my world! I laugh, I cringe, I laugh some more. And when I gain my composure I litter my friends’ Facebook walls with random quotes from the show. Ultimately, I guess part of it is self-fulfilling because at least I’m not 1. These people or 2. The person who’s attracted to them. Sure, they’re nice people, but honestly? Yikes. Their obsession with fitting into a stereotype floors me. Not that I’m so out of the norm, but I don’t feel like I have to act, dress or be a certain way to be me. They have these definitions of guidos and guidettes that drive their personalities. I don’t watch the show because of the drama coming from the conflict with Italian-Americans. I watch it because it is HILARIOUS!

From packing fifty-eight tubes of hair gel, to owning their own tanning booths, to having their moms cut their meat, to having the strangest nicknames I’ve ever heard, it’s all television gold. I love every morsel of it. It makes me want to go out, listen to music, pound my fist and battle on the dance floor. The good news is battling, apparently, is a valid excuse to my boyfriend when I wrap my legs around some dude and dry hump him. You know, because we were just battling. Makes perfect sense to me. Then I’m gonna go home and eat some turkey, and maybe some kielbasa. And after that I’ll jump in the Jacuzzi, pound it up in a girl, and send her back to the streets of the shore. Sounds like a pretty legit night to me.

The most annoying part of the show? That damn duck phone.