The hour season finale started out boring because it involved Ronnie and Sammi. I despise Sammi. Not because she is who she is, but because everyone lets her be the way she is without calling her on it. Am I the only person who wants to punch her in the throat? Last week she stirred up more shit, therefore stirring up Ronnie until he KOed a dude, with “one shot, one shot.” The cops hauled him off to jail. Snooki, mid-post-drunk eating was ever the good friend, taking care of Sammi because apparently Sammi’s both annoying and fucking stupid. She can’t even figure out who to call. I don’t think Snooki really cared considering Ronnie hasn’t given anyone in the house the time of day since he attached his bitchy ball and chain. Regardless, she finds out Ronnie’s released at 6:30AM. It’s 3:30AM. Pour some shots of SoCo! We have three hours to kill.
Sammi: “How did this happen to me?”
Snooki: “YOU?!?! How did this happen to YOU?!!? Don’t make me shove tampons up your nose.”
Sammi: “I can’t believe I have to sleep alone.”
Snooki: “I can’t believe your selfish bitch ass gets ANYONE to sleep with her. Fuck my life.”
Sammi: “He better apologize for ruining my life.”
Snooki: “You’re ruining everyone’s life. Fuck my life.”
Or we’ll go to bed. And not set an alarm. You KNOW Ronnie would have been at the police station at 6:15AM, waiting for Sammi. What’s she doing at 9AM? Sleeping. Insert inappropriate c-word here.
So, she rolls in and picks him up. He’s not even mad. Which, I suppose, he doesn’t really have a right to be because it was his roid rage (and Sammi, but he doesn’t realize it) who got him into this mess. They get back to the house and she’s mad at Ronnie and tells him to not do this to her again. He apologizes. She says she had to sleep alone. He apologizes again. I guess roids really do shrink your shit cause this dude has no balls. Get it together, Ronnie. America has no respect for you.
Sammi: “God, we’re so interesting. Look how sexy I am.”
Ronnie: “I’m sorry.”
Ronnie: “Oh, I wasn’t listening. I assumed I’d done something wrong again.”
Sammi: “You’ve traumatized me! Trauma! Terror! That’s it. I’m done. I can’t be disrespected.”
Ronnie: “I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m sorry.”
Ronnie: “I’m sorry.”
Alright, on to other things. It’s still the last weekend in the house. The Situation has run out of legally-aged girls to sleep with so he’s creeping after some underage chicks. Everyone’s judgmental. Snooki snooks back to the house to call “monotone Keith” (according to Jwow). He blows her off. My heart breaks a little for her. She really liked the dude, monotone (read: boring) or not. And apparently he wasn’t as into a Snickers break as he should have been. So she walks down the boardwalk. And in a perfect storm of cameras (which I love that she talks to, by the way), booze, heartache and embarrassment, Snooki starts her own dance party. She claims there were lots of people watching. If by watching you mean taking wide detours to avoid her and pointing and laughing, sure she had an audience.
“There are so many people watching me. Wait, that’s just one person. It just looks like more because I am hammered. Wait, I think she’s actually judging. SoCo! I need more SoCO!”
In traditional Snickers luck, this would be when she has to see “that ex.” You know the one, the one you’re not over. The one you only see when you’re way too drunk, in sweats, without makeup, having the worst bed head. It doesn’t matter. You never see them at a sexy moment. She tries to get him to give her some attention, and she’s denied. Again. Poor thing. It sucks she doesn’t have any decent friends to bitch at and get hammered with. Because that’s what friends are for. And the guys, who would have probably done the same, are at some “Chuck-e-Cheese for dudes.” Whatever that means. All it means is another public venue for The Situation to beg for some attention.
Situation: “So, uh… Since we can’t get chicks you guys wanna make out?”
Vinny: “What? No. I already made out with your sister. It would be weird.”
Situation: “Listen, this is the fuckin’ situation.”
Pauly D: “I’d really rather beat up the beat and dry hump JWoww. Where is that ho?”
Situation: “She’s resting from 3 minutes with The Situation. I rocked the lizard tongue.”
Vinny: “Um, about that. Gross. Your sister does the same thing.”
Situation: “I taught her how to kiss. She’s the fuckin’ Situationette.”
Pauly D: “I can’t listen to this conversation with just my water bottle filled with vodka. Let’s go see what Snooks is doing. I love her.”
Vinny: “Do her already.”
Pauly D: “Isn’t she a grenade?”
Situation: “You tap it or I will. Girl needs it pounded up in her once on The Shore.”
Pauly D: “Let’s run the train on her.”
Situation: “OK, I’ll prime her for lovin’. You guys meet me in the hot tub.”
Vinny: “I’ve never had sex.”
Pauly D: “That’s OK, you’ll get an STD in the hot tub. No one will ever know.”
They finally get back to the house and at this point the small letdown of Keith and Lance or Justin (or whatever the ex’s name was) has spiraled into a full-blown, ego-busted breakdown. I can relate. One guy, who’s not even worth your time in the first place, turns you down. And if you don’t have the right person to speak realistically to you, you start to question your entire self-worth. Especially if you’ve had a sailor’s share of alcohol and are less than five foot.
In a rare moment of being a real friend, The Situation steps up and says the guys are all hanging out at home without any non-roomies (he fails to mention because they can’t get any non-roomies, but that’s beside the point, and probably better for Snooks anyway), and tells her she can give him the big “fuck off.” Or something like that. Solid advice, I think. He even said that’s what he has to do when a girl isn’t in to him. Two points for The Sitch. Of course, he still hasn’t worked himself out of the douchebag hole he’s created, but that’s beside the point.
Hell yeah, best revenge, ever. You make my room smell like one of your grenade’s underwear crept up under my bed and started reproducing STDs and I’ll put a shirt on a stuffed animal. I’m so bad ass. He’s gonna be so mad.
They all head inside. Talk about how they, including Pauly D who’s sexy as hell (according to Vinny or Mike, I’m not sure which), can’t get dates. Chill for awhile. Drink for awhile. Snooki and The Situation end up in the hot tub, with Mike taking off Snook’s bikini. They have a near-porn-style makeout, lizard tongues and all. It ended with a hair tug. If Snooki had been able to not laugh at that move (no respectable girl could, even a trashy drunk Snooki), they would have had crazy animal sex. I think The Situation is one of those dudes who plays romantic, but all he knows is what he’s seen in porns. I’ve dated those guys. It’s not pretty. Not sexy. And not normal. The only girls who go for that are whores. I’m just sayin’. Good for you Snooki for laughing it off. And while it got played like he rejected her, I think her not taking his pornographic moves seriously is what actually ended the tryst.
Snooki: “Fuck my life.”
Situation: “Let me get this lizard tongue working.”
Snooki: “What IS that?”
Situation: “That’s the fuckin’ situation.”
Snooki: “Fuck my life. Fuck my life.”
Situation: “Nom, nom, nom.”
Snooki: “Did you just pull my hair?”
Situation: “You liked it didn’t you?”
Snooki: “Yes? No? What am I supposed to say? Fuck my life.”
Situation: “I’ll fuck your life.”
Situation: “Alright, I coulda hit you, but you’re like my sister. I’m out.”
Snooki: “For once, don’t fuck my life.”
Then there’s a boring mushy BBQ, followed by a boring mushy last morning on the couch reminiscing. Hug, hug, hug. Tears, tears, tears. They all leave separately (which is so weird because they all had their own cars and normal people would have walked out together). Show’s over. Fade to black.
Situation: “So, whadda ya say, Vin? Wanna hit The Situation before heading back to Momma’s house?”
Vinny: “Nah, dude.”
Situation: “I figured not. I’m trying to “waste” a rejection so it ups my chances on the next attempt.”
What’d you think of the finale “situation?” Think they’ll bring these guys back for a second season? Have a second season with new people? Hopefully I’m wrong, but I think either way, nothing will measure up to this season because it was fresh, new, and these guys didn’t have any reason to act a certain way. They were raw and uninhibited. I don’t think even this group could act normal again. Well, their normal. But you know where I’m going. It was a sweet run, but I think it’s over, kids. Let’s fight off the beat one last time and pump our fists. If you need me, I’ll be at the gym, tanning, or catching up on laundry. Ham.