Archive for January, 2013

I Feel No Emotion – So I’m Going To Kill

I believe in the past year or year and a half I’ve read three stories about teenagers who have killed because they want to see what it feels like, if they’d feel anything, or to prove they wouldn’t feel anything. Most recently, a teenager says he watched a Halloween movie remake and thought he’d feel like Michael Myers – killing without any feeling or reaction. When it came time to kill, he did it. In fact, he killed two people: his mom and sister. It sounds like he was consumed by the idea of killing, and paced around considering it and being overwhelmed by not doing it. Then he did it frantically. Almost as if he was trying to get it over with so he wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. How we’d compare standing at the top of a high dive or staring down a hillbilly hooker shot. Just do it so it’s over with!

However, after he “killed” his sister, then his mom, he came back to find his sister still alive and apologized to her for being in so much pain and shot her again, then shot his mom again to be sure she was dead. In fact, he chose to kill them with a gun as opposed to the original weapon of choice, a knife, in order to make the killing faster and less painful.

Clearly he was thinking logically and knew exactly what he was doing. The act was pre-meditated. And obviously there’s something wrong here. And no, it’s not the guns. Or the movies.

The strange thing, to me, is how these teenagers seem to feel void of emotions. I remember high school (and college) as the time in my life when I felt most alive. I was finally tasting freedom, really discovering and accepting who I am, finally making bonds with friends that seemed deep and meaningful, having real crushes on boys and finding things I was both talented at and passionate for. Were there times life was so overwhelming I didn’t think I could take it anymore? Yes. There were lots of spontaeous tears. In fact, I think my junior year of high school I cried more than I have the whole of my existance since! But those feelings and emotions were real and raw and I wasn’t embarrassed to feel them. And if I had been, there were so many emotions flooding over me, I don’t know how I coudln’t! The last thing I wanted was to GIVE myself feelings or test the waters of how I’d feel by introducing something else.

This feeling of being dead inside or being void of emotion seems to be tied to a lot of medications now. Specifically, I know bipolar medications make people feel like nothing gives them a reaction. And many anti-depressants seem to do something similar, “Sure, I’m not sad anymore, but I also feel like I’m never REALLY happy. I’m not so overwhelmed by sadness that by comparison, I feel happy. But sometimes I just want to FEEL everything.” I can imagine how frustrating it is to never feel happy. But also how frustrating it would be to not feel sad. If a moment is sad and you know you’re sad but can’t FEEL it? I’ve had moments both ways where I know I should be happy, but I can’t be happy (normally because something else is going on that’s bumming me out – so normal), but I’ve also had events where I know I should be sad, but I simply am not. Sometimes I feel like this comes from anxiety and pressures of everyday life. Other times I think it’s because we’re desensitized to everything becuase of social media and  being buried in story after story of heartbreak, or even happiness. I also think that comes a little from sad emotions being tied to “weak women” so I have had to push those feelings down, mostly at work, and my body’s natural response is to not react anymore. Don’t show your cards and don’t show a reaction to anyone. It’s safer that way.

So I realize there’s a lot of that going on. That said, I never felt like that at seventeen. In fact, I didn’t have that much social expections pushed on me. I had a pretty average upbringing too. Small town, middle America, middle class. Same as most of these kids. And I’ve never chased something this big, and I wonder if there’s any type of correlation to between medications so readily prescribed now. Medications to keep over-active kids less-active. Medications to make people feel good all the time, even though happiness is and should be fleeting. If you’re happy all the time, it’s just “normal.” And when things happen to make you happy, you wouldn’t even register or appreciate them. Same thing with being sad. Being sad sucks. And no one should be constantly sad. But being sad helps me appreciate being happy. And I also never get in a bout of sadness I feel like is infinite.

I guess the concern is in an attempt to make everything in this life easier, more accesible, more approachable, we’re also turning off the ups and downs of life we’re meant to feel. A lot of times with drugs. Somewhat with social expectations and steroetypes of what’s weak.

But I think someone saying they don’t feel anything is a huge red flag. I hope to never be void of emotion. What’s the point of living without the thrill of happiness, or the potential for heartbreak to be just around the corner? To me, there’s not much point. And maybe that’s what these teenagers feel, too. Or don’t feel. Which means it’s not surprising they figure, “Why not?”

Ronaiah Tuiasosopo – Conspirator or Co-Conspirator?

One day, a million link clicks, and hours of reading later, here’s my opinion on the Manti Te’o scandal. Yes, I still consider it a scandal. And yes, I still find it wildly entertaining and pretty hilarious. When I first read the Deadspin article (http://deadspin.com/5976517/manti-teos-dead-girlfriend-the-most-heartbreaking-and-inspirational-story-of-the-college-football-season-is-a-hoax), I was convinced Te’o had created this girl out of thin air with the intention of bolstering likeability ratings and attention. And the truth is, I still believe that to some extent. I’m not so sure it’s fair to credit Te’o with the creation of Lennay, however. Rather, I think the credit for her creation and the back story currently seems to fall into the puppeteering hands of Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, a rather uncreative fella, it seems.

The Deadspin article mentioned above did give Tuiasosopo credit for requesting and stealing the pictures used to portray Lennay. And the article did tie Tuiasosopo and Te’o together as friends or at least acquaintances who talked on Twitter and seemed to have met in person. But the article couldn’t pinpoint how they knew one another or how the benefitted or likely profited from such an elaborate story. What did Tuiasosopo gain from Te’o’s fame?

So, my obsessive compulsive googling and Twitter searching has changed courses and is on the Ronaiah Tuiasosopo trail.

The Deadspin article seemed to allude, or at least made many readers, myself included, believe Te’o and Tuisosopo were lovers, and using this girlfriend story as a beard. It makes sense. As long as he has this girlfriend, Te’o would not be questioned for not having a relationship with another girl. Because, clearly, the number two college football player in the nation has girls throwing themselves at him. I’m a KU basketball fan, and past players as well as past and current students say girls wait inside and outside of Jayhawk Towers just to sleep with these guys. Sure, they’d take more of a relationship, but they love even having slept with these highly public and renowned and potentially future NBA superstar players. Just to say, “Yeah, I hooked up with him when he was at KU” was enough for there to be a waiting line. And I know girls who have slept with players. And were very proud of it. So, trust me, there were girls a plenty for Te’o. And if it was overwhelming, I don’t see the harm in creating a fake girlfriend to throw girls off the path. Especially if he were gay. And, honestly, I wouldn’t even judge that. How many gay NBA or NFL players do you know? I don’t know a ton about the sport, but don’t know any. The last guy I see coming out of the closet is a very devout Mormon at a Catholic college. Yeah, isn’t happening.

So that was my first theory.

Then there’s the Arizona Cardinals player, Reagan Maui’a. He claims Lennay Kekua is real. He’s met her. Guess how he met her? Through Tuiasosopo. Yes, that’s for real. Only this girl was in the flesh. And she was beautiful. Like a model and a volleyball player. Long, dark hair. They met on doing charity work for American Samoa in 2011. This was after Te’o allegedly met Kekua (a meeting that we’ve discovered never really happened).

Oh, by the way, after Pete Thamel released the interview from his Sports Illustrated articles, it turns out Te’o never claimed to have met her. In fact, Thamel suspected they’d met online. And when Thamel asked him how they met, he said, “You know, regular.” Whatever the hell that means. Good journalism, Thamel. On the other hand, if he was trying to respect his privacy or his embarrassment, couldn’t he have just said, “I won’t report it, but I want to clarify you met online.” Or something like that? Why’s everyone so spineless? I suppose you worry he’ll clam up and won’t finish the interview. So do a follow-up at the end of the interview. Sure, the kid’s embarrassed. But had people not been so afraid to ask questions, this may not have been such a big story. Anyway, the other thing that came out of the Thamel interview, which was definitely misleading, but also points to Te’o never claiming they’d med in person, was that they met at a Stanford game in 2009. That’s the game many said they met, and the bastardly South Bend Tribune, in their pulled article, gave an account of looking into each other’s eyes and reaching out hands. Blasphemy! Anyway, Te’o’s account was “she saw me.”

So, this makes me think, Kekua allegedly saw Te’o at a game, right? Then somehow she contacts him. And they start their online friendship, which apparently went nowhere until October 2011. Isn’t that about the time the college football season takes off? I don’t follow Notre Dame, but it makes me wonder if she kind of teased him along during that time, then when Te’o started to be a standout star, she moved in for the kill. So their whole relationship starts because she saw him and she probably contacted him (or was directed to her by Tuiasosopo).

The open ended nature of Te’o’s “she saw me” response could definitely lead the average person to believe they met. Had I read that and not been suspicious, I probably would have assumed “she saw me” meant she was the one who made the first move, WHEN THEY MET. But where the hell the South Bend Tribune came up with their account is beyond me. Of course, the article’s gone so it didn’t happen, right? Yes, I’m bitter.

Anyway, this Cardinals player has met Lennay Kekua. So is he in on it? Probably not. Guess who this girl was related to? Yeah, she was reportedly Tuiasosopo’s cousin. It seems like everyone in this story is cousins. Is this Arkansas? No, Hawaii. OK, I’m not trying to be mean, but I think there is liberal use of cousin and brother. Let’s all stop calling each other cuz and bro if you’re not related. So that’s one tie between fake Lennay Kekua and Ronaiah Tuiasosopo. And why would Maui’a question it? If you met me and I said my name was Lennay Kekua, why would you think it wasn’t Jane? And why wouldn’t you argue when someone said I didn’t exist?

Ronaiah Tuiasosopo also was tied to the show The Voice, where he claimed he was in an automobile accident where everyone in the car almost died, and the doctors thought they all had brain damage. But miraculously they didn’t. It sounds like the show knew he was lying or at least over-exaggerating. Fortunately for those shows, they see the BS because many people on those shows lie or improve the truth to get on. That said, first Tuiasosopo himself was in this car accident that he almost died and there was fear of brain damage. Then the same thing happens to Lennay.

In fact, during the Thamel interview, Te’o tells the story about how Lennay was in a coma for months. And how he’d talk to her on the phone and her heart rate would increase and she’d start to cry. But she was in a coma. And potentially brain damaged. Then the doctors turn around as Te’o is about to fly home to Hawaii and are going to pull the plug. In the time he’s on the plane, the doctor says, “Hey, there’s one more treatment I want to try.” One more treatment? For a coma? For brain damage? To undo inevitable death? To snap her out of her vegetative state? So he gives her this “treatment” and suddenly she wakes up.

Thamel’s response, “Unbelievable.”

Yeah, because it is unbelieveable. There’s no way in hell this happens and there’s not a news story. Plug about to be pulled, miraculous recovery due to “treatment.” Then suddenly this girl has amnesia.

It’s all too much. Too much.

It floors me how little fact checking SI did. They did enough to find out Kekua didn’t graduate from Stanford. Couldn’t they have disproven she even went to Stanford at all? No, he assumes she just didn’t graduate.

They did enough research to discover they couldn’t find the car accident. So they removed reference from the story. Or reference to the DUI (of the other driver).

So, this girl as an unbelievable story. I’m trying to imagine telling this story to someone else and someone (probably a woman) not saying, “Seriously? You believe that?!” This Thamel guy is a reporter. He has fact checkers. They don’t at any point say, “No way this is true.” It sounds like they toned down the article, removing references to stuff or being more vague. Maybe they should have said, “Hey, we can’t corroborate any of this.” They couldn’t find her death certificate. They couldn’t find a single obituary. They’re saying the family probably wanted privacy. But, seriously, I’ve seen obituaries that say “private family service.” And don’t mention where. They don’t look for a grave or anything?

And speaking of that, neither does Te’o?

So, let’s go on a short Te’o tangent here before we get back to Ronaiah.

First, are we seriously to believe, his girlfriend’s dying. She’s getting unplugged. This is it. It’s over. And he flies OVER her? Like literally over her. From Indiana to Hawaii. The path is over California, right? Seriously, how the hell hard would it be to have a one night layover in California? I do not get that. You do not love someone if you don’t want to be there for them. And if he seriously believed her heart rate increased and she cried when he talked, that should make him more likely to go. Hell, I’d fly somewhere for a distant relative I have to love because I’m related but hardly know if my voice elicited this response. There’s no way in hell. Absolutely no way that he doesn’t stop and see her in person at least once before she dies. Even if they weren’t going to unplug her. Surely he stops. Coming, going whatever. Nope. Doesn’t stop. This, to me, is one of the biggest pieces of proof that Te’o was complicit in this whole thing.

Second, I know there are people saying, “He was scared.” Or, “He didn’t want to draw attention right before the game.” But seriously, this guy not only mentions his girlfriend twice after he knows she’s a fake. Well, after he allegedly finds out she was a fake, assuming he didn’t already know. Anyway, twice after he allegedly finds out, he mentions her. And not because someone asks about HER, he brings up the tragedy twice, free form. Asked what was the biggest thing from the season, mentions her. Asked about cancer, he mentions her. And THEN he went to a charity event. Not only after he knew, but after the school knew. And you know what else the school did? After they knew this was all a hoax, they continued to sell leis at the championship game. If anyone’s trying to tell me Notre Dame isn’t as bad as Penn State, I think they’re batshit crazy. There’s no way. Notre Dame benefitted from this hoax as much or even more than Te’o. And they continued to promote the tragedy and profit post-“find out.” Get it together Notre Dame. You and your Catholic righteousness. Get over yourselves.

Third, and this was already addressed in yesterday’s article, Te’o took the media’s oversell of the tragedy and ran with it. Not only that, but he let the spotlight in his family be torn from his grandma, who really deserved not only Manti’s attention, but the attention of his family. How can he do that? He has this girl he’s NEVER met. This girl who can’t even make him a priority when she’s supposed to be meeting him. A girl he doesn’t love enough to visit. EVER. Even when he flies directly over her. And this girl is more important than his grandma? And he’s selfish enough to have his family spend their time and sympathy on her, rather than his grandma? This is disgusting. Selfish, deplorable and sickening. Anyway, Te’o loved the attention. If it had been me and I had been too embarrassed to be all, “Yeah, so maybe it wasn’t THAT MUCH of a love story,” I at least would have avoided going on and on about it. Looking up to heaven and whatnot. This guy was an attention whore. Just like his buddy Ronaiah.

That said, it sounds like Ronaiah was looking for fame AND money. Manti’s uncle spoke on a radio talk show about how he met Tuiasosopo. Of course his version of the events in hindsight are probably a bit misconstrued and exaggerated, the facts are still there. First, the guy was toting around some girl named Pookah, who he said was his cousin, about nine years old. Second, he was pushing some cancer foundation he’d founded. Third, he claimed to be Lennay’s cousin, which corroborates Maui’a’s story. Finally, he was trying to raise money for another Stanford student (just like Lennay) who had Leukemia (just like Lennay) who couldn’t afford college because of treatments. So he was trying to push his foundation, AND he was trying to raise money. Look, two sob stories. You should throw money at at least one of them!

The Pookah girl is important to mention only because Manti’s uncle said she wasn’t allowed to talk. Ronaiah stood behind her with his hands on her shoulders and she only nodded her head yes or shook her head no. That’s very strange for a nine year old. But also because ANOTHER person had a run-in with Ronaiah and Pookah.

In the Deadspin story, there was reference to Lennay’s fake sister, who popped up on Twitter. For this account, Tuiasosopo stole pictures from another woman’s account. Her name was Donna. Donna was not involved, just like the woman Deadspin calls Reba, whose pictures were used as Lennay. Anyway, when Tuiasosopo created the sister’s account, a Notre Dame fan became friends with the sister, and made plans to meet her at the USC-ND game. When it came time to meet, however, the sister “couldn’t make it down” (I assume from the stands, but maybe to the game at all?). Instead, guess who shows up? Tuiasosopo. And Pookah. They take a picture together. But after the picture’s taken Tuiasosopo gets all freaked out and says not to post the picture. Later the fake sister contacts this ND fan and also mentions not posting the picture. Later on, either Lennay’s fake sister or Tuiasosopo told this Notre Dame fan that Pookah was sick. I believe with cancer, but it could have been any other disease. It doesn’t sound like this fan gave anyone money. But it sounds like that’s what they were hinting at needing. I’m sure, given enough time, or if the fake sister hadn’t been removed from Twitter once the fake pictures were discovered, money would have exchanged hands.  

So, although Deadspin article tied Tuiasosopo to the creation of both Lennay’s and her sister’s accounts, and the acquisition of said pictures, there wasn’t as much information on him as has unfolded in the last day. Tuiasosopo isn’t responding to any media requests.

Tuiasosopo’s father, Titus, released a somewhat sarcastic statement referencing “many who were born in a manger in Bethlehem and continue to walk on water will express their opinions.” What? Seriously? Your son is a sniveling liar and opportunist? And you’re pointing fingers at others? Maybe you don’t release a statement at all? Or you do, but don’t point fingers out that should be pointing in. All signs point to your son leading up this hoax. And it sounds like it was all for fame and profit. And history also says that this same son has dedicated himself to the church you pastor. Don’t send the media down a trail auditing your church. If he’s so invested in this church but at the same time is fame and money hungry, how do those who tithe to your church feel? Do they feel good that the money they’ve given have gone to noble causes? Is it trustworthy? Or does extortion run in the family?

Hey, Manti Te’o – Riddle Me This

I am so intrigued with this Manti Te’o scandal. Yes, it’s a scandal. Scandalous in the delicious way only soap operas are. So many layers of lies, misdirection and puppeteering. Dance puppets! I love it.

OK, so where to begin? First, I’m not an avid football fan. I’ll watch games if beer is involved. I know football enough to pick a team and enjoy it. My favorite part of the game is safeties. And watching an underdog win. Unless the underdog is a cocky team like KSU was this year. Sorry KSU friends, I just couldn’t bring myself to cheer. But that’s neither here nor there. KSU’s hero-worshipped player was all married and boring. This, my friends, is much, much better!

Alright, so here’s how it goes down.

2009 – Te’o meets Lennay Kekua in person at a Notre Dame-Stanford game. Based on the now-removed South Bend Tribune article, “then Manti Te’o extended his hand to the stranger with a warm smile and soulful eyes.”

First, can we discuss how frustrating these disappearing articles are? If media outlets were duped in this, so what? Don’t erase the proof. Making these things disappear only makes it seem like you’re paid to cover up for Te’o. In fact, I know of one other South Bend Tribune article that disappeared – I believe that article also referenced Te’o meeting Kekua. What I want to know, South Bend Tribune, is whether you were liberal with details, or if Te’o said these things to you. If he said them, leave them out there. If you were liberal with details for a good story, admit it, apologize, and clear Te’o. The case of the disappearing evidence is such a Catholic thing. It irks me, and makes me want to punch members of the media. No one can own up to mistakes. And everyone’s afraid of the truth. If Te’o was catfished, it never would have gotten so out of hand had he been honest.

Second, many other articles reference this article, so making it disappear only creates an orphaned link. It doesn’t stop other articles’ references to the details. Listen, this isn’t Germany, you can’t simply take Hitler out of the history books and pretend he didn’t exist. Let’s lay this story out as it happened.

Moving on down the timeline, allegedly Te’o and Kekua were friends from 2000-2012. In that time, according to Manti Te’o’s dad, Brian, Manti met up with Kekua in Hawaii.

This quote is from the same removed South Bend Tribune article mentioned above:

“’They started out as just friends,’ Brian Te’o said. “Every once in a while, she would travel to Hawaii, and that happened to be the time Manti was home, so he would meet with her there…”

So that’s two times the Tribune has said Te’o met Kekua. Too bad the article’s gone. But I suppose it’s too bad many non-Tribune articles referenced these quotes. During Notre Dame’s private investigation between December 6th and yesterday, why weren’t these articles removed? If someone’s making the stories disappear now, why not be more efficient about it? Actually, if we want to get specific, one of the Tribune articles was pulled yesterday evening. And the article I’m referencing was pulled sometime after 9PM Central time. These are all just random details. I can see the author of the article deciding he’s embarrassed, or being called on creative liberties. But in that case, admit it, don’t pull the article. The articles disappearing with no explanation only creates more scandal. I did try to search for a reason they were pulled in case the Tribune did release a statement, but as of 10AM Central, I couldn’t find anything.

In 2012 they became a couple. In fact, it was shortly after they became a couple that she allegedly got in her car accident. While she was in the hospital post-accident, the doctors allegedly discovered cancer. This girl has the worst luck. She goes on to get a bone marrow transplant, which Te’o’s dad discusses and says he thought she was better. Then she suddenly dies. During the time she’s sick, Te’o allegedly would sleep “with her.” Meaning they’d talk on the phone and fall asleep together, not disconnecting their calls. First, did he have an unlimited talk plan? Second, can anyone prove these calls actually happened? Third, if they did, it’s likely the person on the other end of the call had a real plan, not one of those pay as you go plans, since those are much more expensive. Is some girl really committed enough to this scam to keep him on the phone all night, from what it sounds like, almost every night? That seems very suspicious. And it’s suspicious these calls can’t be traced back. And it’s suspicious that in the time talking to him all hours of the day that this girl didn’t have an ounce of guilt. It’s nearly impossible to spend that much time with someone and not get attached. It doesn’t pan out.

So, what I want to know is, where those calls traced back? If so, who were they traced to? If they didn’t exist, is anyone mentioning this?

Te’o goes on to thank his girlfriend’s family after the Michigan State game. He also mentions sending “her” (by her he means her dead body, I assume at the funeral home?) white roses because white was her favorite color. First, isn’t white the lack of color? OK, that’s not the point.

Here’s my first take-away from the death: Who told Te’o she died? Clearly she didn’t just stop calling and he figured it out from some media outlet. He must have had contact with her fake-family or fake-friends, right? Who told him? The last thing she said to him was, “I love you.” She didn’t die on the phone with him. So who contacted him? How did they contact him? Didn’t he want to see the obituary or eventually want to visit her grave so he’d find out where she was buried? If he never met or talked to any of her family or friends (because he never met her), how did they know how to contact him? If he did talk to her family or friends over the course of the “relationship” how did he talk to them? Over the phone? What were these phone numbers? Somehow there was a lot of communication post-death to know where to send the flowers, when the funeral was, when the casket was closed, etc. Who told him this stuff? And how was there no verification?

This is the biggest hole in the scandal to me. Carrying out a relationship probably involved a few people. But carrying out the death, if he was hoaxed, involved a lot more people.

My guess is he was in on it the whole time and was working to cover his tracks. Or, he wasn’t in on it initially but found out and the agreement was made to use the fake relationship to his advantage. On or around the 6th, those on the other end decided to threaten him. And that’s when he started to do damage control.

There are lots of people talking like this is a big cover-up because he’s gay. And honestly, I’ve had friends who lie and lie and lie to cover up their sexuality. While it’s happening, those closest to the person lying knows what’s going on. They piece together what’s not true, and are easily able to fish out the truth. If this was in fact a cover up to a gay relationship, maybe the other half was dumped and bitter and wanted to out the whole thing. I can’t really understand why people go to such lengths to hide who they are, but I’ve watched it happen.

If he wasn’t gay and he was duped, it’s very, very, very strange to me that someone would “know” someone for three years, but never meet her. He’s the second-best (based on the Heisman) college player in the country. College women, real-life ones, are throwing themselves at him. And this girl allegedly blows off all of their meet-ups? Who is going to put up with that? Who is going to commit to someone they’ve never met in person? I get that he’s all religious and chaste or whatever, but just because you don’t have sex doesn’t mean you don’t need that connection in person. Or at the very least Skype (which is free) or FaceTime. Te’o can’t be this stupid. He’s about to be rich and he already is famous.

In the meantime, there’s proof that those who carried out or knew about this hoax were mentioning him, by his handle, which shows up in your connections feed, and calling this a hoax. Did he not see this? Was this when things started to fall apart? This was prior to the risen from the dead phone call on the 6th, when Lennay allegedly called him from her original number and told him she was still alive and wanted to start the relationship up again. So if they were threatening before, maybe that’s what sent him into the tailspin panic.

A guy goes from the great American football hero. The next Tebow. To a liar and a manipulator.

At the very least, he is a liar. He did exaggerate the truth for his own ego-boosting and humble bragging. At the worst, he concocted this whole thing and people are pitying him. I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle.

Jealousy, Insecurity and Self-Centeredness Are The New Black

When I was younger, I felt like I was surrounded by strong, independent women. I felt like love was a thing that happened beyond your control, not something you forced,or worse, won. I’m sure I was just a naive girl. Hell, most days I still think I am. But, the world is plagued with a need for reassurance, and competition lurks around every corner.

Two stories. The first is about how women fight over men. And how absurd they act, and for what?Some guy they barely know. Most often also insecure. These women (and men) aren’t even looking for a real connection. Rather, all anyone is looking for is someone to claim as their own. Does it matter if they love one another? Not really. Rather, people are seen as a means to an end. If something about the person is considered, it’s normally looks or other shallow things. No one cares if the person gets her, appreciates her as she is, flaws and all. No one compares moral compasses, or what they see in their future. He doesn’t want kids? Too bad, I am the one with the birth control prescription. She doesn’t want to travel? What’s she gonna do? Sit home alone while I do? Everyone wants what they want, no disregard for their “other half.” And even though he didn’t want kids and she decided they do, she wonders why he isn’t as involved of a father as she wanted. Or, he wonders why she threw such a fit about this three week dream trip o Europe. And why she keeps complaining that hotels aren’t like home and she misses her bed.

If we would all wait for the right person, no matter how long he takes to come along, we would all be a lot happier. And if we weren’t so insecure, we’d realize we are worth the wait. And if we took the time to get to know someone, and appreciate when he’s not a good match, and the race to the alter is insane, maybe we wouldn’t be so angry at the grocery store, we wouldn’t throw tire irons at each other in the drive thru, and we wouldn’t feel trapped in marriage and cheat on our spouses.

Second story of insecurity and competition ties in, but isn’t identical. I took myself out of the dating game for good three years ago. I wasn’t ever the KU of the game. Well, unless it was football season. Then I really, really WAS the KU of “the game.” I sucked. I never saw the point of pretending to be someone else to “hook” a guy. If a friend would “call dibs” on a guy, I’d back off, even if she’d do it based on looks alone, and if I had a better connection with the guy when I got o know him, I’d still respect “the dibs” and stay away. Truth is, when there are a lot of girls, there wasn’t ever a time a new guy would come along that someone wouldn’t call dibs. This is one of the most insane practices in the single girl world. Do guys do this crap? In fact, the second last guy I attempted to get to know, I met with my sisters, who don’t call dibs. And the most recent stranger i met, i met with a guy friend who walked away when he saw me talking, and waited for me outside of the bar to walk me to my car. If it had been a normal night, I never would have even got o talk to the guy. And this is OK. I get that on a scale of 1-10, my interest in getting a guy right now is about a 2. I have no biological clock ticking away. I don’t feel incomplete without a guy, and I don’t need someone to save me from anything. So, I generally respect that calling dibs means they just want a shot. Does that mean I don’t? Nope. And am I the most beautiful person that guys come up with their eye on me? Never. I’m also OK with this. In my fantasy world, I will meet the right guy in a dibs-less scenario. And he won’t just be approaching because I’m hot. Sure, he will be attracted o me, but will get o know me. Will be honest with me. Won’t play games. And will me on the same page as me with what he wants with his future and his moral compass.

Is this a fantasy? Maybe. But I’d rather be single than play the dibs game. I’d rather be secure in who I am, than pretend to be someone I’m not. I’d rather not compete for guys, who aren’t pieces of meat to be won by the most aggressive pursuer. And I’d rather keep my friends than be angry because they “took” a guy. If the guy and I have a connection, he will pursue me. He will see through the insecure “friends” who publicly cut me down to reduce his interest in me. He will see the girls who pursue the hardest are probably pursuing a bunch of guys at the same time, unsure of what type of guy they even want. I suppose guys are the same way. Those who make a move, are making moves on many girls. The guy for me won’t be playing the game, either. He wont be attracted to their insecurity, and will rather be impressed by the things I’ve done with my life. And in the meantime, it’s not too bad to be single. Especially of the majority of guys are just as insecure. Which, my experience is, they are.

It Has To Be MY Idea

I feel like the older I get, either I’m more aware of our self-centered society, society becomes more self-involved as they age, or the whole damn world only thinks about themselves. No matter what, it’s a bleak and frustrating revelation. Over the past few months, I’ve realized how often people only like their ideas. Not only that, they dislike ideas when they’re presented by someone else, but hours, days or weeks later will represent the idea as their own, and think it’s the best thing since canned beer. This happens at work, when brainstorming the best way to approach a new product or service or resolve a recurring efficiency or service problem. This happens at home with simple things like what to do, when to get together, where to go.

It makes me wonder, do these people only hate the ideas because they aren’t their own? Or do they simply consider it long enough before dismissing it? And do they honestly not remember who are the suggestion to begin with when they represent it as their own?

These are the meaningless things I think about and grow frustrated with. And the things that make me cynical that there are any good, honest, real people left in the world who think about anyone other than themselves.