I Feel No Emotion – So I’m Going To Kill

I believe in the past year or year and a half I’ve read three stories about teenagers who have killed because they want to see what it feels like, if they’d feel anything, or to prove they wouldn’t feel anything. Most recently, a teenager says he watched a Halloween movie remake and thought he’d feel like Michael Myers – killing without any feeling or reaction. When it came time to kill, he did it. In fact, he killed two people: his mom and sister. It sounds like he was consumed by the idea of killing, and paced around considering it and being overwhelmed by not doing it. Then he did it frantically. Almost as if he was trying to get it over with so he wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. How we’d compare standing at the top of a high dive or staring down a hillbilly hooker shot. Just do it so it’s over with!

However, after he “killed” his sister, then his mom, he came back to find his sister still alive and apologized to her for being in so much pain and shot her again, then shot his mom again to be sure she was dead. In fact, he chose to kill them with a gun as opposed to the original weapon of choice, a knife, in order to make the killing faster and less painful.

Clearly he was thinking logically and knew exactly what he was doing. The act was pre-meditated. And obviously there’s something wrong here. And no, it’s not the guns. Or the movies.

The strange thing, to me, is how these teenagers seem to feel void of emotions. I remember high school (and college) as the time in my life when I felt most alive. I was finally tasting freedom, really discovering and accepting who I am, finally making bonds with friends that seemed deep and meaningful, having real crushes on boys and finding things I was both talented at and passionate for. Were there times life was so overwhelming I didn’t think I could take it anymore? Yes. There were lots of spontaeous tears. In fact, I think my junior year of high school I cried more than I have the whole of my existance since! But those feelings and emotions were real and raw and I wasn’t embarrassed to feel them. And if I had been, there were so many emotions flooding over me, I don’t know how I coudln’t! The last thing I wanted was to GIVE myself feelings or test the waters of how I’d feel by introducing something else.

This feeling of being dead inside or being void of emotion seems to be tied to a lot of medications now. Specifically, I know bipolar medications make people feel like nothing gives them a reaction. And many anti-depressants seem to do something similar, “Sure, I’m not sad anymore, but I also feel like I’m never REALLY happy. I’m not so overwhelmed by sadness that by comparison, I feel happy. But sometimes I just want to FEEL everything.” I can imagine how frustrating it is to never feel happy. But also how frustrating it would be to not feel sad. If a moment is sad and you know you’re sad but can’t FEEL it? I’ve had moments both ways where I know I should be happy, but I can’t be happy (normally because something else is going on that’s bumming me out – so normal), but I’ve also had events where I know I should be sad, but I simply am not. Sometimes I feel like this comes from anxiety and pressures of everyday life. Other times I think it’s because we’re desensitized to everything becuase of social media and  being buried in story after story of heartbreak, or even happiness. I also think that comes a little from sad emotions being tied to “weak women” so I have had to push those feelings down, mostly at work, and my body’s natural response is to not react anymore. Don’t show your cards and don’t show a reaction to anyone. It’s safer that way.

So I realize there’s a lot of that going on. That said, I never felt like that at seventeen. In fact, I didn’t have that much social expections pushed on me. I had a pretty average upbringing too. Small town, middle America, middle class. Same as most of these kids. And I’ve never chased something this big, and I wonder if there’s any type of correlation to between medications so readily prescribed now. Medications to keep over-active kids less-active. Medications to make people feel good all the time, even though happiness is and should be fleeting. If you’re happy all the time, it’s just “normal.” And when things happen to make you happy, you wouldn’t even register or appreciate them. Same thing with being sad. Being sad sucks. And no one should be constantly sad. But being sad helps me appreciate being happy. And I also never get in a bout of sadness I feel like is infinite.

I guess the concern is in an attempt to make everything in this life easier, more accesible, more approachable, we’re also turning off the ups and downs of life we’re meant to feel. A lot of times with drugs. Somewhat with social expectations and steroetypes of what’s weak.

But I think someone saying they don’t feel anything is a huge red flag. I hope to never be void of emotion. What’s the point of living without the thrill of happiness, or the potential for heartbreak to be just around the corner? To me, there’s not much point. And maybe that’s what these teenagers feel, too. Or don’t feel. Which means it’s not surprising they figure, “Why not?”

Ronaiah Tuiasosopo – Conspirator or Co-Conspirator?

One day, a million link clicks, and hours of reading later, here’s my opinion on the Manti Te’o scandal. Yes, I still consider it a scandal. And yes, I still find it wildly entertaining and pretty hilarious. When I first read the Deadspin article (http://deadspin.com/5976517/manti-teos-dead-girlfriend-the-most-heartbreaking-and-inspirational-story-of-the-college-football-season-is-a-hoax), I was convinced Te’o had created this girl out of thin air with the intention of bolstering likeability ratings and attention. And the truth is, I still believe that to some extent. I’m not so sure it’s fair to credit Te’o with the creation of Lennay, however. Rather, I think the credit for her creation and the back story currently seems to fall into the puppeteering hands of Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, a rather uncreative fella, it seems.

The Deadspin article mentioned above did give Tuiasosopo credit for requesting and stealing the pictures used to portray Lennay. And the article did tie Tuiasosopo and Te’o together as friends or at least acquaintances who talked on Twitter and seemed to have met in person. But the article couldn’t pinpoint how they knew one another or how the benefitted or likely profited from such an elaborate story. What did Tuiasosopo gain from Te’o’s fame?

So, my obsessive compulsive googling and Twitter searching has changed courses and is on the Ronaiah Tuiasosopo trail.

The Deadspin article seemed to allude, or at least made many readers, myself included, believe Te’o and Tuisosopo were lovers, and using this girlfriend story as a beard. It makes sense. As long as he has this girlfriend, Te’o would not be questioned for not having a relationship with another girl. Because, clearly, the number two college football player in the nation has girls throwing themselves at him. I’m a KU basketball fan, and past players as well as past and current students say girls wait inside and outside of Jayhawk Towers just to sleep with these guys. Sure, they’d take more of a relationship, but they love even having slept with these highly public and renowned and potentially future NBA superstar players. Just to say, “Yeah, I hooked up with him when he was at KU” was enough for there to be a waiting line. And I know girls who have slept with players. And were very proud of it. So, trust me, there were girls a plenty for Te’o. And if it was overwhelming, I don’t see the harm in creating a fake girlfriend to throw girls off the path. Especially if he were gay. And, honestly, I wouldn’t even judge that. How many gay NBA or NFL players do you know? I don’t know a ton about the sport, but don’t know any. The last guy I see coming out of the closet is a very devout Mormon at a Catholic college. Yeah, isn’t happening.

So that was my first theory.

Then there’s the Arizona Cardinals player, Reagan Maui’a. He claims Lennay Kekua is real. He’s met her. Guess how he met her? Through Tuiasosopo. Yes, that’s for real. Only this girl was in the flesh. And she was beautiful. Like a model and a volleyball player. Long, dark hair. They met on doing charity work for American Samoa in 2011. This was after Te’o allegedly met Kekua (a meeting that we’ve discovered never really happened).

Oh, by the way, after Pete Thamel released the interview from his Sports Illustrated articles, it turns out Te’o never claimed to have met her. In fact, Thamel suspected they’d met online. And when Thamel asked him how they met, he said, “You know, regular.” Whatever the hell that means. Good journalism, Thamel. On the other hand, if he was trying to respect his privacy or his embarrassment, couldn’t he have just said, “I won’t report it, but I want to clarify you met online.” Or something like that? Why’s everyone so spineless? I suppose you worry he’ll clam up and won’t finish the interview. So do a follow-up at the end of the interview. Sure, the kid’s embarrassed. But had people not been so afraid to ask questions, this may not have been such a big story. Anyway, the other thing that came out of the Thamel interview, which was definitely misleading, but also points to Te’o never claiming they’d med in person, was that they met at a Stanford game in 2009. That’s the game many said they met, and the bastardly South Bend Tribune, in their pulled article, gave an account of looking into each other’s eyes and reaching out hands. Blasphemy! Anyway, Te’o’s account was “she saw me.”

So, this makes me think, Kekua allegedly saw Te’o at a game, right? Then somehow she contacts him. And they start their online friendship, which apparently went nowhere until October 2011. Isn’t that about the time the college football season takes off? I don’t follow Notre Dame, but it makes me wonder if she kind of teased him along during that time, then when Te’o started to be a standout star, she moved in for the kill. So their whole relationship starts because she saw him and she probably contacted him (or was directed to her by Tuiasosopo).

The open ended nature of Te’o’s “she saw me” response could definitely lead the average person to believe they met. Had I read that and not been suspicious, I probably would have assumed “she saw me” meant she was the one who made the first move, WHEN THEY MET. But where the hell the South Bend Tribune came up with their account is beyond me. Of course, the article’s gone so it didn’t happen, right? Yes, I’m bitter.

Anyway, this Cardinals player has met Lennay Kekua. So is he in on it? Probably not. Guess who this girl was related to? Yeah, she was reportedly Tuiasosopo’s cousin. It seems like everyone in this story is cousins. Is this Arkansas? No, Hawaii. OK, I’m not trying to be mean, but I think there is liberal use of cousin and brother. Let’s all stop calling each other cuz and bro if you’re not related. So that’s one tie between fake Lennay Kekua and Ronaiah Tuiasosopo. And why would Maui’a question it? If you met me and I said my name was Lennay Kekua, why would you think it wasn’t Jane? And why wouldn’t you argue when someone said I didn’t exist?

Ronaiah Tuiasosopo also was tied to the show The Voice, where he claimed he was in an automobile accident where everyone in the car almost died, and the doctors thought they all had brain damage. But miraculously they didn’t. It sounds like the show knew he was lying or at least over-exaggerating. Fortunately for those shows, they see the BS because many people on those shows lie or improve the truth to get on. That said, first Tuiasosopo himself was in this car accident that he almost died and there was fear of brain damage. Then the same thing happens to Lennay.

In fact, during the Thamel interview, Te’o tells the story about how Lennay was in a coma for months. And how he’d talk to her on the phone and her heart rate would increase and she’d start to cry. But she was in a coma. And potentially brain damaged. Then the doctors turn around as Te’o is about to fly home to Hawaii and are going to pull the plug. In the time he’s on the plane, the doctor says, “Hey, there’s one more treatment I want to try.” One more treatment? For a coma? For brain damage? To undo inevitable death? To snap her out of her vegetative state? So he gives her this “treatment” and suddenly she wakes up.

Thamel’s response, “Unbelievable.”

Yeah, because it is unbelieveable. There’s no way in hell this happens and there’s not a news story. Plug about to be pulled, miraculous recovery due to “treatment.” Then suddenly this girl has amnesia.

It’s all too much. Too much.

It floors me how little fact checking SI did. They did enough to find out Kekua didn’t graduate from Stanford. Couldn’t they have disproven she even went to Stanford at all? No, he assumes she just didn’t graduate.

They did enough research to discover they couldn’t find the car accident. So they removed reference from the story. Or reference to the DUI (of the other driver).

So, this girl as an unbelievable story. I’m trying to imagine telling this story to someone else and someone (probably a woman) not saying, “Seriously? You believe that?!” This Thamel guy is a reporter. He has fact checkers. They don’t at any point say, “No way this is true.” It sounds like they toned down the article, removing references to stuff or being more vague. Maybe they should have said, “Hey, we can’t corroborate any of this.” They couldn’t find her death certificate. They couldn’t find a single obituary. They’re saying the family probably wanted privacy. But, seriously, I’ve seen obituaries that say “private family service.” And don’t mention where. They don’t look for a grave or anything?

And speaking of that, neither does Te’o?

So, let’s go on a short Te’o tangent here before we get back to Ronaiah.

First, are we seriously to believe, his girlfriend’s dying. She’s getting unplugged. This is it. It’s over. And he flies OVER her? Like literally over her. From Indiana to Hawaii. The path is over California, right? Seriously, how the hell hard would it be to have a one night layover in California? I do not get that. You do not love someone if you don’t want to be there for them. And if he seriously believed her heart rate increased and she cried when he talked, that should make him more likely to go. Hell, I’d fly somewhere for a distant relative I have to love because I’m related but hardly know if my voice elicited this response. There’s no way in hell. Absolutely no way that he doesn’t stop and see her in person at least once before she dies. Even if they weren’t going to unplug her. Surely he stops. Coming, going whatever. Nope. Doesn’t stop. This, to me, is one of the biggest pieces of proof that Te’o was complicit in this whole thing.

Second, I know there are people saying, “He was scared.” Or, “He didn’t want to draw attention right before the game.” But seriously, this guy not only mentions his girlfriend twice after he knows she’s a fake. Well, after he allegedly finds out she was a fake, assuming he didn’t already know. Anyway, twice after he allegedly finds out, he mentions her. And not because someone asks about HER, he brings up the tragedy twice, free form. Asked what was the biggest thing from the season, mentions her. Asked about cancer, he mentions her. And THEN he went to a charity event. Not only after he knew, but after the school knew. And you know what else the school did? After they knew this was all a hoax, they continued to sell leis at the championship game. If anyone’s trying to tell me Notre Dame isn’t as bad as Penn State, I think they’re batshit crazy. There’s no way. Notre Dame benefitted from this hoax as much or even more than Te’o. And they continued to promote the tragedy and profit post-“find out.” Get it together Notre Dame. You and your Catholic righteousness. Get over yourselves.

Third, and this was already addressed in yesterday’s article, Te’o took the media’s oversell of the tragedy and ran with it. Not only that, but he let the spotlight in his family be torn from his grandma, who really deserved not only Manti’s attention, but the attention of his family. How can he do that? He has this girl he’s NEVER met. This girl who can’t even make him a priority when she’s supposed to be meeting him. A girl he doesn’t love enough to visit. EVER. Even when he flies directly over her. And this girl is more important than his grandma? And he’s selfish enough to have his family spend their time and sympathy on her, rather than his grandma? This is disgusting. Selfish, deplorable and sickening. Anyway, Te’o loved the attention. If it had been me and I had been too embarrassed to be all, “Yeah, so maybe it wasn’t THAT MUCH of a love story,” I at least would have avoided going on and on about it. Looking up to heaven and whatnot. This guy was an attention whore. Just like his buddy Ronaiah.

That said, it sounds like Ronaiah was looking for fame AND money. Manti’s uncle spoke on a radio talk show about how he met Tuiasosopo. Of course his version of the events in hindsight are probably a bit misconstrued and exaggerated, the facts are still there. First, the guy was toting around some girl named Pookah, who he said was his cousin, about nine years old. Second, he was pushing some cancer foundation he’d founded. Third, he claimed to be Lennay’s cousin, which corroborates Maui’a’s story. Finally, he was trying to raise money for another Stanford student (just like Lennay) who had Leukemia (just like Lennay) who couldn’t afford college because of treatments. So he was trying to push his foundation, AND he was trying to raise money. Look, two sob stories. You should throw money at at least one of them!

The Pookah girl is important to mention only because Manti’s uncle said she wasn’t allowed to talk. Ronaiah stood behind her with his hands on her shoulders and she only nodded her head yes or shook her head no. That’s very strange for a nine year old. But also because ANOTHER person had a run-in with Ronaiah and Pookah.

In the Deadspin story, there was reference to Lennay’s fake sister, who popped up on Twitter. For this account, Tuiasosopo stole pictures from another woman’s account. Her name was Donna. Donna was not involved, just like the woman Deadspin calls Reba, whose pictures were used as Lennay. Anyway, when Tuiasosopo created the sister’s account, a Notre Dame fan became friends with the sister, and made plans to meet her at the USC-ND game. When it came time to meet, however, the sister “couldn’t make it down” (I assume from the stands, but maybe to the game at all?). Instead, guess who shows up? Tuiasosopo. And Pookah. They take a picture together. But after the picture’s taken Tuiasosopo gets all freaked out and says not to post the picture. Later the fake sister contacts this ND fan and also mentions not posting the picture. Later on, either Lennay’s fake sister or Tuiasosopo told this Notre Dame fan that Pookah was sick. I believe with cancer, but it could have been any other disease. It doesn’t sound like this fan gave anyone money. But it sounds like that’s what they were hinting at needing. I’m sure, given enough time, or if the fake sister hadn’t been removed from Twitter once the fake pictures were discovered, money would have exchanged hands.  

So, although Deadspin article tied Tuiasosopo to the creation of both Lennay’s and her sister’s accounts, and the acquisition of said pictures, there wasn’t as much information on him as has unfolded in the last day. Tuiasosopo isn’t responding to any media requests.

Tuiasosopo’s father, Titus, released a somewhat sarcastic statement referencing “many who were born in a manger in Bethlehem and continue to walk on water will express their opinions.” What? Seriously? Your son is a sniveling liar and opportunist? And you’re pointing fingers at others? Maybe you don’t release a statement at all? Or you do, but don’t point fingers out that should be pointing in. All signs point to your son leading up this hoax. And it sounds like it was all for fame and profit. And history also says that this same son has dedicated himself to the church you pastor. Don’t send the media down a trail auditing your church. If he’s so invested in this church but at the same time is fame and money hungry, how do those who tithe to your church feel? Do they feel good that the money they’ve given have gone to noble causes? Is it trustworthy? Or does extortion run in the family?

Hey, Manti Te’o – Riddle Me This

I am so intrigued with this Manti Te’o scandal. Yes, it’s a scandal. Scandalous in the delicious way only soap operas are. So many layers of lies, misdirection and puppeteering. Dance puppets! I love it.

OK, so where to begin? First, I’m not an avid football fan. I’ll watch games if beer is involved. I know football enough to pick a team and enjoy it. My favorite part of the game is safeties. And watching an underdog win. Unless the underdog is a cocky team like KSU was this year. Sorry KSU friends, I just couldn’t bring myself to cheer. But that’s neither here nor there. KSU’s hero-worshipped player was all married and boring. This, my friends, is much, much better!

Alright, so here’s how it goes down.

2009 – Te’o meets Lennay Kekua in person at a Notre Dame-Stanford game. Based on the now-removed South Bend Tribune article, “then Manti Te’o extended his hand to the stranger with a warm smile and soulful eyes.”

First, can we discuss how frustrating these disappearing articles are? If media outlets were duped in this, so what? Don’t erase the proof. Making these things disappear only makes it seem like you’re paid to cover up for Te’o. In fact, I know of one other South Bend Tribune article that disappeared – I believe that article also referenced Te’o meeting Kekua. What I want to know, South Bend Tribune, is whether you were liberal with details, or if Te’o said these things to you. If he said them, leave them out there. If you were liberal with details for a good story, admit it, apologize, and clear Te’o. The case of the disappearing evidence is such a Catholic thing. It irks me, and makes me want to punch members of the media. No one can own up to mistakes. And everyone’s afraid of the truth. If Te’o was catfished, it never would have gotten so out of hand had he been honest.

Second, many other articles reference this article, so making it disappear only creates an orphaned link. It doesn’t stop other articles’ references to the details. Listen, this isn’t Germany, you can’t simply take Hitler out of the history books and pretend he didn’t exist. Let’s lay this story out as it happened.

Moving on down the timeline, allegedly Te’o and Kekua were friends from 2000-2012. In that time, according to Manti Te’o’s dad, Brian, Manti met up with Kekua in Hawaii.

This quote is from the same removed South Bend Tribune article mentioned above:

“’They started out as just friends,’ Brian Te’o said. “Every once in a while, she would travel to Hawaii, and that happened to be the time Manti was home, so he would meet with her there…”

So that’s two times the Tribune has said Te’o met Kekua. Too bad the article’s gone. But I suppose it’s too bad many non-Tribune articles referenced these quotes. During Notre Dame’s private investigation between December 6^th and yesterday, why weren’t these articles removed? If someone’s making the stories disappear now, why not be more efficient about it? Actually, if we want to get specific, one of the Tribune articles was pulled yesterday evening. And the article I’m referencing was pulled sometime after 9PM Central time. These are all just random details. I can see the author of the article deciding he’s embarrassed, or being called on creative liberties. But in that case, admit it, don’t pull the article. The articles disappearing with no explanation only creates more scandal. I did try to search for a reason they were pulled in case the Tribune did release a statement, but as of 10AM Central, I couldn’t find anything.

In 2012 they became a couple. In fact, it was shortly after they became a couple that she allegedly got in her car accident. While she was in the hospital post-accident, the doctors allegedly discovered cancer. This girl has the worst luck. She goes on to get a bone marrow transplant, which Te’o’s dad discusses and says he thought she was better. Then she suddenly dies. During the time she’s sick, Te’o allegedly would sleep “with her.” Meaning they’d talk on the phone and fall asleep together, not disconnecting their calls. First, did he have an unlimited talk plan? Second, can anyone prove these calls actually happened? Third, if they did, it’s likely the person on the other end of the call had a real plan, not one of those pay as you go plans, since those are much more expensive. Is some girl really committed enough to this scam to keep him on the phone all night, from what it sounds like, almost every night? That seems very suspicious. And it’s suspicious these calls can’t be traced back. And it’s suspicious that in the time talking to him all hours of the day that this girl didn’t have an ounce of guilt. It’s nearly impossible to spend that much time with someone and not get attached. It doesn’t pan out.

So, what I want to know is, where those calls traced back? If so, who were they traced to? If they didn’t exist, is anyone mentioning this?

Te’o goes on to thank his girlfriend’s family after the Michigan State game. He also mentions sending “her” (by her he means her dead body, I assume at the funeral home?) white roses because white was her favorite color. First, isn’t white the lack of color? OK, that’s not the point.

Here’s my first take-away from the death: Who told Te’o she died? Clearly she didn’t just stop calling and he figured it out from some media outlet. He must have had contact with her fake-family or fake-friends, right? Who told him? The last thing she said to him was, “I love you.” She didn’t die on the phone with him. So who contacted him? How did they contact him? Didn’t he want to see the obituary or eventually want to visit her grave so he’d find out where she was buried? If he never met or talked to any of her family or friends (because he never met her), how did they know how to contact him? If he did talk to her family or friends over the course of the “relationship” how did he talk to them? Over the phone? What were these phone numbers? Somehow there was a lot of communication post-death to know where to send the flowers, when the funeral was, when the casket was closed, etc. Who told him this stuff? And how was there no verification?

This is the biggest hole in the scandal to me. Carrying out a relationship probably involved a few people. But carrying out the death, if he was hoaxed, involved a lot more people.

My guess is he was in on it the whole time and was working to cover his tracks. Or, he wasn’t in on it initially but found out and the agreement was made to use the fake relationship to his advantage. On or around the 6^th, those on the other end decided to threaten him. And that’s when he started to do damage control.

There are lots of people talking like this is a big cover-up because he’s gay. And honestly, I’ve had friends who lie and lie and lie to cover up their sexuality. While it’s happening, those closest to the person lying knows what’s going on. They piece together what’s not true, and are easily able to fish out the truth. If this was in fact a cover up to a gay relationship, maybe the other half was dumped and bitter and wanted to out the whole thing. I can’t really understand why people go to such lengths to hide who they are, but I’ve watched it happen.

If he wasn’t gay and he was duped, it’s very, very, very strange to me that someone would “know” someone for three years, but never meet her. He’s the second-best (based on the Heisman) college player in the country. College women, real-life ones, are throwing themselves at him. And this girl allegedly blows off all of their meet-ups? Who is going to put up with that? Who is going to commit to someone they’ve never met in person? I get that he’s all religious and chaste or whatever, but just because you don’t have sex doesn’t mean you don’t need that connection in person. Or at the very least Skype (which is free) or FaceTime. Te’o can’t be this stupid. He’s about to be rich and he already is famous.

In the meantime, there’s proof that those who carried out or knew about this hoax were mentioning him, by his handle, which shows up in your connections feed, and calling this a hoax. Did he not see this? Was this when things started to fall apart? This was prior to the risen from the dead phone call on the 6^th, when Lennay allegedly called him from her original number and told him she was still alive and wanted to start the relationship up again. So if they were threatening before, maybe that’s what sent him into the tailspin panic.

A guy goes from the great American football hero. The next Tebow. To a liar and a manipulator.

At the very least, he is a liar. He did exaggerate the truth for his own ego-boosting and humble bragging. At the worst, he concocted this whole thing and people are pitying him. I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle.

Jealousy, Insecurity and Self-Centeredness Are The New Black

When I was younger, I felt like I was surrounded by strong, independent women. I felt like love was a thing that happened beyond your control, not something you forced,or worse, won. I’m sure I was just a naive girl. Hell, most days I still think I am. But, the world is plagued with a need for reassurance, and competition lurks around every corner.

Two stories. The first is about how women fight over men. And how absurd they act, and for what?Some guy they barely know. Most often also insecure. These women (and men) aren’t even looking for a real connection. Rather, all anyone is looking for is someone to claim as their own. Does it matter if they love one another? Not really. Rather, people are seen as a means to an end. If something about the person is considered, it’s normally looks or other shallow things. No one cares if the person gets her, appreciates her as she is, flaws and all. No one compares moral compasses, or what they see in their future. He doesn’t want kids? Too bad, I am the one with the birth control prescription. She doesn’t want to travel? What’s she gonna do? Sit home alone while I do? Everyone wants what they want, no disregard for their “other half.” And even though he didn’t want kids and she decided they do, she wonders why he isn’t as involved of a father as she wanted. Or, he wonders why she threw such a fit about this three week dream trip o Europe. And why she keeps complaining that hotels aren’t like home and she misses her bed.

If we would all wait for the right person, no matter how long he takes to come along, we would all be a lot happier. And if we weren’t so insecure, we’d realize we are worth the wait. And if we took the time to get to know someone, and appreciate when he’s not a good match, and the race to the alter is insane, maybe we wouldn’t be so angry at the grocery store, we wouldn’t throw tire irons at each other in the drive thru, and we wouldn’t feel trapped in marriage and cheat on our spouses.

Second story of insecurity and competition ties in, but isn’t identical. I took myself out of the dating game for good three years ago. I wasn’t ever the KU of the game. Well, unless it was football season. Then I really, really WAS the KU of “the game.” I sucked. I never saw the point of pretending to be someone else to “hook” a guy. If a friend would “call dibs” on a guy, I’d back off, even if she’d do it based on looks alone, and if I had a better connection with the guy when I got o know him, I’d still respect “the dibs” and stay away. Truth is, when there are a lot of girls, there wasn’t ever a time a new guy would come along that someone wouldn’t call dibs. This is one of the most insane practices in the single girl world. Do guys do this crap? In fact, the second last guy I attempted to get to know, I met with my sisters, who don’t call dibs. And the most recent stranger i met, i met with a guy friend who walked away when he saw me talking, and waited for me outside of the bar to walk me to my car. If it had been a normal night, I never would have even got o talk to the guy. And this is OK. I get that on a scale of 1-10, my interest in getting a guy right now is about a 2. I have no biological clock ticking away. I don’t feel incomplete without a guy, and I don’t need someone to save me from anything. So, I generally respect that calling dibs means they just want a shot. Does that mean I don’t? Nope. And am I the most beautiful person that guys come up with their eye on me? Never. I’m also OK with this. In my fantasy world, I will meet the right guy in a dibs-less scenario. And he won’t just be approaching because I’m hot. Sure, he will be attracted o me, but will get o know me. Will be honest with me. Won’t play games. And will me on the same page as me with what he wants with his future and his moral compass.

Is this a fantasy? Maybe. But I’d rather be single than play the dibs game. I’d rather be secure in who I am, than pretend to be someone I’m not. I’d rather not compete for guys, who aren’t pieces of meat to be won by the most aggressive pursuer. And I’d rather keep my friends than be angry because they “took” a guy. If the guy and I have a connection, he will pursue me. He will see through the insecure “friends” who publicly cut me down to reduce his interest in me. He will see the girls who pursue the hardest are probably pursuing a bunch of guys at the same time, unsure of what type of guy they even want. I suppose guys are the same way. Those who make a move, are making moves on many girls. The guy for me won’t be playing the game, either. He wont be attracted to their insecurity, and will rather be impressed by the things I’ve done with my life. And in the meantime, it’s not too bad to be single. Especially of the majority of guys are just as insecure. Which, my experience is, they are.

Thru The Years: Swapping Places And It Feels Good

Now that I’ve settled into life past the 30 year old mark, I realize it’s not as old as it felt when I was sixteen. In fact, thirty has been a pretty good decade so far. Got rid of some carryover (carry-on?) baggage from my twenties and am happier than ever being single. It’s liberating, actually. I’m not sure exactly what it is. Like most things probably a combination of several factors.

First, the general self-esteem you get as you grow up. As your self-worth grows through compound interest and the time value of confidence, you realize not only do you not NEED anyone, but you also don’t want just anyone. This, my friends, is my favorite part of being over thirty.

Second, social pressures seem to ease a little. There are a few different kinds of pressure. Familial pressure (coming from parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles and all of THEIR frends) eases if you’ve been alone for awhile. The human brain is incapable of NOT adapting. If you’re alone for awhile, those who used to notice and comment simply stop noticing. Those who have parents whose happiness seems to hinge on their child getting married and having babies? I can’t relate, but empathize. Not sure if that ever goes away unless you pay for them to get therapy, or get remarried to someone else, or find something that will occupy them and make them happy.

The same general eventual adaptation to being alone happens with your friends, of course. But, the friends who were so pushy also start to see how great being single can be as opposed to marrying just anyone. Men complain about nagging, how much work parenting is, and joking (or not) about being single again/choosing better next time. Women are annoyed by filth, lack of intimacy/magic and being only a mom/wife, rather than her own person. While it’s always easy to think the grass is greener, there is often times a gap between the fantasy and reality of marriage and parenting, for both sexes. And on those days, they see how their ingle friends are genuinely happy and not crying themselves to sleep in a puddle of lonely misery.

And, finally, the more of us singles there are out there, and the more divorce numbers climb like STD rates, the more everyone appreciates holding onto your S card. Forever or until it’s right. Ignoring the social norms pushing us all toward marriage is a big relief on many people feeling like failures until they do get married.

Women feel this pressure in their twenties. Our self-worth is large defined by how desired we are by the opposite sex. If we are attached, we are valued, beautiful, respected and complete. If we aren’t courted, we are somehow appraised at a lower value. And through this time, the men are in a position of power. They have the ability to legitimize us as worthy or otherwise. This results in a lot of highs and lows based on a questionable resource.

However, as we move into our late 20s and see the marriages of our friends reach their five and seven year marks (and some fizzle out), we realize how important choosing the right mate is. We are also reaching a stride in our careers and generally are financially able to take are of ourselves, afford luxuries we used to think we needed a man to buy (or split the cost of – like vacations, rent, houses, cars jewelry). And it hits us – we can provide everything we NEED. And furthermore, why would we want to get in a relationship with a guy who could take it all away? Spending our nest egg, making our house smell like feet while hosting his friends very weekend because our place is nicer than his, then cleaning up their mess because he doesn’t gleam, picking up the tab because we earn more, being dragged down by a no-motivation, slacker, likely alcoholic momma’s boy. Yeah, suddenly our standards skyrocket to where they always should have been.

Meanwhile, these guys we used to put up with don’t know how to treat a woman respectfully, don’t know how to put in more work than a post-bar text, and suddenly find themselves alone when this no longer cuts it. They know there are smart, beautiful, interesting women out there, but they can’t seem to get their attention. They dip into the pool of younger girls for awhile. Then become desperate.

This happens generally around their 30th-35th birthday. They realize they’re getting “old” and are alone and the women they’re dating now aren’t as interesting at they used to be. Many of their buddies are married and that’s really how they always saw themselves anyway. They think, “OK, I’m ready.” But the girls of their dreams don’t crawl out of the woodwork like they always imagined. They start to panic. Try to settle with any girl who comes along. But their baggage they picked up in their twenties still follows them: drinking until they’re sloppy and belligerent is ok for a 22 year old, not a 32 year old, their dinky, dirty, grimy bachelor pad apartment near the bar district doesn’t scream sexy, and their inability to look forward in a career or be able to manage finances isn’t exactly quirky and sweet anymore.

Suddenly the tables have turned. Women don’t need men, and men are desperate.

It’s called poetic justice, people. And apparently it’s what your 30s are made of!

Author’s note: While I am cynical, I want to be fair. I know a plenty of women with the same issues I’ve listed freely as men’s issues. And also know just as many men who are great catches. The point is, I’ve noticed the trend of women getting into their thirties and approaching men the way men did in their twenties, and vice versa in men (who act now like we did in our 20s). This is a generalization for illustrative purposes.

This Video Makes Me Happy

I’m not sure how or why, but this video of Elton and Billy playing Piano Man makes me so happy. I think because they sing with passion. And partially because Elton messes up. Not that I WANT him to mess up but when celebrities make a mistake it makes them less idolic and more relatable. Not only does he mess up and recover, but I love Billy’s reaction.

Anyway, here it is. If you want to avoid Jay Leno (who I don’t like, and not because of stupid Conan O’Brien, I just dislike him), skip forward six seconds.

Enjoy!

St. Patty’s/March Madness – The Perfect Storm

Whoever thought up the brilliant scheme to have St. Patty’s Day and NCAA basketball first (and second) rounds in one week, is a genius! First, it’s a perfect excuse to take a few days off work and do nothing but drink and watch basketball (in that order, or simultaneously). And second, what’s better than a few holidays celebrating real things: green beer and basketball. All hail holidays that illicit happiness, relaxation and fun (as opposed to debt, stress and family quarrels).

What are you doing today through this weekend? Unfortunately I’m working all day, but foresee green beer on the horizon (not unlike the post-work drinking on The Office). And I see four days of nothing but basketball, beer and junk food. What more could a girl ask for? Right now, honestly, I can’t think of anything.

Happy St. Patty’s! Let the Madness begin!

Teen Mom Recap: Birthdays, Breakups and Bitching

Well, Teen Mom finally came to a close this week. Ninety beautiful minutes of a close, that is. And I think I can sum up the entire season as well as I can sum up the finale.

Catelynn and Tyler are engaged. I have a strange feeling these two will go the distance. They’re each others’ rocks, and the only stability they seem to have in their little world. I watch them and part of me wishes I found someone who gets me and loves me exactly as I am. But then I get over that when I realize my life overall is so much more stable. I wish them the best not only in their relationship, but dealing with the adoption of their daughter. I can’t imagine how hard that must be, but at the same time I think they did the right thing. They don’t have the support from their parents, or any adults, that they would need to have made raising a child work. I think they will hurt the rest of their lives, but that doesn’t mean it was the wrong decision. Sometimes in life you make a decision you hurt about for the rest of your life, even if you’re only sixteen. And making the right decision isn’t always the selfish one.

I would like to lump Farrah and Amber and their spoiled brat, whiney ass voiced attitudes and self-centered perspectives into one lonely paragraph. These two are awful, not ready to be parents, and bitch more than anyone should let them get away with. Farrah will probably be fine. She’s focused on school, her parents are picking up the slack, and she’ll probably spend the rest of her life making her daughter a distant second to whatever she wants. But there are plenty of parents out there that way. You don’t have to be an adult to act that way. And Amber? Oh, Amber. You don’t seem to have much of a reason to act as spoiled as you do, but I cannot believe anyone puts up with your constant bitching. She’s young, so it’s normal to focus on now (her job) rather than the future (her GED and college). Gary is lazy so he will have a hard time finding much better than Amber, but there’s no way he wants to live with her forever. Best of luck to all of them, I suppose.

That leaves us with Maci. And her pathetic excuse of a baby daddy, Ryan. If I could punch Ryan only once it would probably relieve a lot of my man rage. I suppose he deserves credit for being so out there with how little he cares about Bentley, and she’s the idiot for sticking it out with him. It seems like he’s so removed from the situation he’s only sticking around because she seems to have a very close relationship with his family. They obviously know he’s not going to find someone better, and it seems like she was raised with the antiquated idea that the mom and dad need to be together to make Bentley whole. In this case, Bentley will better off without him around all the time. She’s only subjecting him to the same recurring hurt feelings she’s dealing with time and again. Of course, she won’t know this until Bentley’s old enough to react, and she’s doing what she thinks is best. She’s being a mom, putting Bentley (and everything else) before her needs. She’ll be able to find a great guy someday. It’ll be hard so young to find a guy who’s her age and ready to be a dad, but she’s a good mom and there are lots of guys out there who will appreciate Maci and love Bentley as much as if he were his own. I wish Maci the best. And wish Ryan’s parents would cut him loose and make him be a man.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got! Best of luck to all of these young girls. I’m so thankful I wasn’t a teen mom. Most days I think I’m not ready to be a mom in my thirties!

This Is The Effin’ Situation: Jersey Shore Is Ova

The hour season finale started out boring because it involved Ronnie and Sammi. I despise Sammi. Not because she is who she is, but because everyone lets her be the way she is without calling her on it. Am I the only person who wants to punch her in the throat? Last week she stirred up more shit, therefore stirring up Ronnie until he KOed a dude, with “one shot, one shot.” The cops hauled him off to jail. Snooki, mid-post-drunk eating was ever the good friend, taking care of Sammi because apparently Sammi’s both annoying and fucking stupid. She can’t even figure out who to call. I don’t think Snooki really cared considering Ronnie hasn’t given anyone in the house the time of day since he attached his bitchy ball and chain. Regardless, she finds out Ronnie’s released at 6:30AM. It’s 3:30AM.  Pour some shots of SoCo! We have three hours to kill.

Sammi: “How did this happen to me?”
Snooki: “YOU?!?! How did this happen to YOU?!!? Don’t make me shove tampons up your nose.”
Sammi: “I can’t believe I have to sleep alone.”
Snooki: “I can’t believe your selfish bitch ass gets ANYONE to sleep with her. Fuck my life.”
Sammi: “He better apologize for ruining my life.”
Snooki: “You’re ruining everyone’s life. Fuck my life.”

Or we’ll go to bed. And not set an alarm. You KNOW Ronnie would have been at the police station at 6:15AM, waiting for Sammi. What’s she doing at 9AM? Sleeping. Insert inappropriate c-word here.

So, she rolls in and picks him up. He’s not even mad. Which, I suppose, he doesn’t really have a right to be because it was his roid rage (and Sammi, but he doesn’t realize it) who got him into this mess. They get back to the house and she’s mad at Ronnie and tells him to not do this to her again. He apologizes. She says she had to sleep alone. He apologizes again. I guess roids really do shrink your shit cause this dude has no balls. Get it together, Ronnie. America has no respect for you.

Sammi: “God, we’re so interesting. Look how sexy I am.”
Ronnie: “I’m sorry.”
Sammi: “What?”
Ronnie: “Oh, I wasn’t listening. I assumed I’d done something wrong again.”
Sammi: “You’ve traumatized me! Trauma! Terror! That’s it. I’m done. I can’t be disrespected.”
Ronnie: “I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m sorry.”
Sammi: “Bitch.”
Ronnie: “What?”
Sammi: “Nothing.”
Ronnie: “I’m sorry.”

Alright, on to other things. It’s still the last weekend in the house. The Situation has run out of legally-aged girls to sleep with so he’s creeping after some underage chicks. Everyone’s judgmental. Snooki snooks back to the house to call “monotone Keith” (according to Jwow). He blows her off. My heart breaks a little for her. She really liked the dude, monotone (read: boring) or not. And apparently he wasn’t as into a Snickers break as he should have been. So she walks down the boardwalk. And in a perfect storm of cameras (which I love that she talks to, by the way), booze, heartache and embarrassment, Snooki starts her own dance party. She claims there were lots of people watching. If by watching you mean taking wide detours to avoid her and pointing and laughing, sure she had an audience.

“There are so many people watching me. Wait, that’s just one person. It just looks like more because I am hammered. Wait, I think she’s actually judging. SoCo! I need more SoCO!”

In traditional Snickers luck, this would be when she has to see “that ex.” You know the one, the one you’re not over. The one you only see when you’re way too drunk, in sweats, without makeup, having the worst bed head. It doesn’t matter. You never see them at a sexy moment. She tries to get him to give her some attention, and she’s denied. Again. Poor thing. It sucks she doesn’t have any decent friends to bitch at and get hammered with. Because that’s what friends are for. And the guys, who would have probably done the same, are at some “Chuck-e-Cheese for dudes.” Whatever that means. All it means is another public venue for The Situation to beg for some attention.

Situation: “So, uh… Since we can’t get chicks you guys wanna make out?”
Vinny: “What? No. I already made out with your sister. It would be weird.”
Situation: “Listen, this is the fuckin’ situation.”
Pauly D:  “I’d really rather beat up the beat and dry hump JWoww. Where is that ho?”
Situation:  “She’s resting from 3 minutes with The Situation. I rocked the lizard tongue.”
Vinny: “Um, about that. Gross. Your sister does the same thing.”
Situation: “I taught her how to kiss. She’s the fuckin’ Situationette.”
Pauly D: “I can’t listen to this conversation with just my water bottle filled with vodka. Let’s go see what Snooks is doing. I love her.”
Vinny: “Do her already.”
Pauly D: “Isn’t she a grenade?”
Situation: “You tap it or I will. Girl needs it pounded up in her once on The Shore.”
Pauly D: “Let’s run the train on her.”
Situation: “OK, I’ll prime her for lovin’. You guys meet me in the hot tub.”
Vinny: “I’ve never had sex.”
Pauly D: “That’s OK, you’ll get an STD in the hot tub. No one will ever know.”

They finally get back to the house and at this point the small letdown of Keith and Lance or Justin (or whatever the ex’s name was) has spiraled into a full-blown, ego-busted breakdown. I can relate. One guy, who’s not even worth your time in the first place, turns you down. And if you don’t have the right person to speak realistically to you, you start to question your entire self-worth. Especially if you’ve had a sailor’s share of alcohol and are less than five foot.

In a rare moment of being a real friend, The Situation steps up and says the guys are all hanging out at home without any non-roomies (he fails to mention because they can’t get any non-roomies, but that’s beside the point, and probably better for Snooks anyway), and tells her she can give him the big “fuck off.” Or something like that. Solid advice, I think. He even said that’s what he has to do when a girl isn’t in to him. Two points for The Sitch. Of course, he still hasn’t worked himself out of the douchebag hole he’s created, but that’s beside the point.

Hell yeah, best revenge, ever. You make my room smell like one of your grenade’s underwear crept up under my bed and started reproducing STDs and I’ll put a shirt on a stuffed animal. I’m so bad ass. He’s gonna be so mad.

They all head inside. Talk about how they, including Pauly D who’s sexy as hell (according to Vinny or Mike, I’m not sure which), can’t get dates. Chill for awhile. Drink for awhile. Snooki and The Situation end up in the hot tub, with Mike taking off Snook’s bikini. They have a near-porn-style makeout, lizard tongues and all. It ended with a hair tug. If Snooki had been able to not laugh at that move (no respectable girl could, even a trashy drunk Snooki), they would have had crazy animal sex. I think The Situation is one of those dudes who plays romantic, but all he knows is what he’s seen in porns. I’ve dated those guys. It’s not pretty. Not sexy. And not normal. The only girls who go for that are whores. I’m just sayin’. Good for you Snooki for laughing it off. And while it got played like he rejected her, I think her not taking his pornographic moves seriously is what actually ended the tryst.

Snooki: “Fuck my life.”
Situation: “Let me get this lizard tongue working.”
Snooki: “What IS that?”
Situation: “That’s the fuckin’ situation.”
Snooki: “Fuck my life. Fuck my life.”
Situation: “Nom, nom, nom.”
Snooki: “Did you just pull my hair?”
Situation: “You liked it didn’t you?”
Snooki: “Yes? No? What am I supposed to say? Fuck my life.”
Situation: “I’ll fuck your life.”
Snooki: “Ummmmmm….”
Situation: “Alright, I coulda hit you, but you’re like my sister. I’m out.”
Snooki: “For once, don’t fuck my life.”

Then there’s a boring mushy BBQ, followed by a boring mushy last morning on the couch reminiscing. Hug, hug, hug. Tears, tears, tears. They all leave separately (which is so weird because they all had their own cars and normal people would have walked out together). Show’s over. Fade to black.

Situation: “So, whadda ya say, Vin? Wanna hit The Situation before heading back to Momma’s house?”
Vinny: “Nah, dude.”
Situation: “I figured not. I’m trying to “waste” a rejection so it ups my chances on the next attempt.”
Vinny: “Copacetic.”

What’d you think of the finale “situation?” Think they’ll bring these guys back for a second season? Have a second season with new people? Hopefully I’m wrong, but I think either way, nothing will measure up to this season because it was fresh, new, and these guys didn’t have any reason to act a certain way. They were raw and uninhibited. I don’t think even this group could act normal again. Well, their normal. But you know where I’m going. It was a sweet run, but I think it’s over, kids. Let’s fight off the beat one last time and pump our fists. If you need me, I’ll be at the gym, tanning, or catching up on laundry. Ham.

Is This Really It?

Some people remember the birth of their first child, or the first time they stuck their toes in the ocean with complete clarity. Me? I can’t forget where I was or how I felt when I suddenly realized, “Is this really it?” I’d worked hard my whole life to do well in school, excel at work, and to make my own way independently. Suddenly, at 26, I’d accomplished everything I had in my “long-term” plan. I don’t know how it happened or why I didn’t have anything else on my goals radar. But suddenly, here I was. Everything I thought I’d ever wanted to do was done. I was so disappointed I started crying. And then became overwhelmed with the guilt of knowing very few people can say they’ve accomplished what I had and here I was unhappy. I didn’t want to be that girl so I buried it down and pretended to be happy. Well, that and I hate listening to people complain about something without a solution. And I didn’t have a solution. So I wasn’t going to personify my own pet peeve.

Apparently I thought when I accomplished all of this I would have simultaneously captured the elusive goal of happiness. And before you say, “Money can’t buy you happiness.” I KNOW that. It was never about money other than from a financially secure standpoint. All I was trying to do was be successful in order to have a secure future, depending only on myself.

I guess it all goes back to my very first boyfriend. I was so naïve. First, I honestly thought a person could only fall in love once. I thought a person’s heart was only capable of loving one person, ever. That’s the only way marriage made sense to me. I thought once you find a person who you fall in love with and that person falls in love with you, that’s it. The perfect match. Destiny. He and I were going to get married. I’m not even sure if I ever really considered what our future would be like, but I was sure I loved him. He pushed the relationship with aggression, dragging me along unsure and frightened. And, ironically, just as I was starting to catch my footing and feel like things were right, he dumped me. At 19 years old the “love of my life” quit. And I had three simultaneous thoughts. First, of course I was pissed and embarrassed. These two emotions are commonly one in the story of my life. Second, I was literally disabled with heartache. I couldn’t function and didn’t want to talk about it. He couldn’t leave. He was my one and only. I’d wasted my love card on him. He took it and left. Third, in the back of my mind I knew I’d dodged a bullet. What if we had gotten married and had a few kids and THEN he left? I was in college but not really taking it seriously. All I saw was getting married and being a housewife. Not that that’s not a respectable thing, of course. But had he left, I wouldn’t have been prepared to take care of myself, or our imaginary children. What was I thinking?

So I set out to secure my future. Focused on college and my career, I worked as hard as I could. I tackled every new project I could get my hands on. I learned as much as I could. And I pushed myself up the ladder. I got my MBA and got a big title.

And we’ve circled back around to where this story begins. All I thought I needed was to find that security and everything else was easy. The only problem was I didn’t know what “everything else” was. And nothing is easy, especially the day-to-day monotony of life. And it’s not that my job sucks. I have a great job. It’s that I was looking ahead of myself and saw the same days over and over. And for what? I’d work my butt off for a paycheck. Sure my employer appreciated me. Sort of. But they weren’t going to be there when I was sick or growing old. They weren’t going to be there when I was lonely. And I was. Lonely, that is. I

’d discovered work is work, and it’s only fulfilling at work.

So, that’s the start of my bitter, cynical story. Oh, sure. I’ve always been cynical. And somewhat bitter. But my bitter cynicism had reached new heights. And I wanted to capture how I’m feeling now not only as a therapeutic outlet so my friends don’t have to listen to me bitch anymore. But also as a warning for those of you about to walk down the same path as me. Was the path I’ve taken right? I think it was. But the focus I had walking down the path, ignoring everything around me, is where I think I went wrong. I can’t fix what I’ve missed, but I can try to find whatever it is my life is missing. And I’ll say right now, I don’t think what I’m looking for is a guy (or girl!). Sure, a guy would be nice. But I think there’s more to this story. At least I hope so. Otherwise I’ll be bored.