Posts Tagged ‘love’

Everlasting Love – It Doesn’t Exist In Food Or Radio, Why Would It Exist In Relationships?

Over the past few weeks, age and change have helped me see how marriages fall apart. And even without letting it, as most people claim happens with marriage. I have two non-relationship relationship examples. And it’s further killed my faith in everlasting love. (This is in no way a dig on those who are happily married. This is simply my perspective on why I don’t think I’ll ever get married.)

First example – a radio show I love. I won’t mention it so as not to say bad things about it. You know why? Because despite no longer being madly in love with the show, I still care about the people who are on the show. (And I don’t even know them, but it feels like it.) For the past five or so years, I listened to them religiously. I loved the show, related to the hosts, or could relate to the hosts as some of my friends. I would listen from the time I got out of bed, and once the show went into repeat on iHeart Radio, I listened at night to the portions of the show I missed. Or I’d download podcasts. I was infatuated. This is the first part of love, right?

As the years went on, I loved them more and more, and a time came where they were off the air for a week. I genuinely felt sad and in withdraw. No, really.

When the show came back on the air, it was mostly the same, but a little different. Could this be similar to a spouse graduating from college, changing careers, losing weight or taking on other new habits after you’re married? That’s what it felt like. And slowly, over the past six or eight months, or however long it’s been, I’ve drifted. I’ve lost that loving feeling. I’ve tried to recapture it a lot of different ways. I’m not totally ready to check out, but it’s definitely not the “soul mate” I once thought it was. I can go weeks without listening to the show, and if I turn on the replay stream in the evenings, I often find myself bored and turning it off to instead watch crap TV on Netflix (which is another love of mine, so not meant as an insult, just a change in priorities). I used to want to travel to meet the hosts of the show. Now I feel like if I were in their city, I’d be like, “Meh. Not sure I care.” Continue reading

Cheating, From The Perspective Of A Single Girl

I read the article on MSNBC about a woman who went undercover on a dating site specifically for cheaters, Ashley Madison. As I read it I made several notes to self. Notes, which, by the way, are probably irrelevant since I’ve never been married. Never been close. Never even been in a serious relationship much longer than a year. But that doesn’t mean I don’t watch relationships around me unravel. Or change with the ebbs and flows of life. Or listen to frustrations or fears. Or watch as friends settle, then regret it. Or even be happy. Yes, there are happy stories for this cynical girl!

My first response is although the article did state that women and men cheat about equally, it was from the perspective of a female author, which means she was learning about men cheaters. I’ve heard that while men cheat for sex, women cheat for intimate connections with another. The bottom line is, for all people, something seems to be missing. The one despicable thing about these relationships is none of the people using Ashley Madison seem to be willing to communicate the things that are lacking. And in some cases, for men, it was that intimate connection, or a challenging mind, or an outlet just to talk. It was like the men had grown bored. Not just with sex (or in most finger-pointing scenarios, we all believe, lack thereof). But with the connection with their spouse. Life had become mundane, repetitive, and the men felt like they had already lived the best years of their lives.

Oh. My. God. HOW DEPRESSING! Seriously? These men get married and their lives get worse? That blows. Really. And I don’t doubt they feel this way. I also don’t doubt they have a bit of the whiny “woe is me” syndrome going on. We all get it. I got it in my late twenties/early thirties. It felt like “this is it?” And while I stewed in that self-pity for awhile, I ultimately figured out that this is only it if I LET this be it! That’s when I started to think about what I’d want my life to be if it could be anything. A few things in my “dream life” were writing, traveling, trying new things, learning to really cook, finding a dream home and decorating it the way I want it (emphasis on I, not on the next owners), spending a lot of time with my parents, sisters and nieces and nephews, finding those really good friends and spending time with them, and less time with the not-so-great friends that seemed to be plaguing my life, figuring out MY meaning of life, finding a connection with God/the universe, making peace with/preparing for death (yes, seriously – I have an irrational fear of death). I wanted to not only grow and change and improve as a person, but experience stuff, and appreciate life more. Ultimately I wanted to quit my job, but realized I might have to give everything else up in order to do that. So I decided I’d concede to the job thing so I could afford everything else. Hey, life’s not perfect!

OK, so what’s my point? I often don’t have a point, I know. It’s part of my charm.

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Dishonest Relationships

I will preface this post by admitting I know as much about Buddhism as I know about repairing lawnmowers. Which is only saying I know the bits that I’ve read, without much context and a little I’ve heard in my psych class. Well, I learned about Buddhism in psych, not lawnmowers. Lawnmowers I learned from Dad.

Anyway, I think Buddhism is interesting… First because eastern cultures place more value on compassion, understanding and kindness. While we Westerners place value on money, career success and independence. As soon as I heard that, I was a lot more interested in Buddhism. I mean, what a concept placing more value in being nice to someone than how much money you make or your position on the org chart? Genius!

Since then, I’ve been reading more and more about Buddhism. Not necessarily because I see myself following it exclusively, but because I think there’s something to be learned and taken away from every religion. And open-mindedness should be embraced, not feared as it often times seems to be, at least in my personal experience with Christianity. Hell, even in this class as we discussed Buddhism and Zen, both of which I believe the teacher said are considered more science than religion (I believe I’m remembering that correctly), some students became very defensive and felt the need to defend the existence of God (which isn’t denied, by the way), Christianity as the only religion, or their discomfort with the discussion. I, on the other and, placed this lecture in the top two of lectures. Right behind or tied with Rollo May, who I found unusually intriguing. But that’s a post for another day.

The other thing I found intriguing as I read more was that sex isn’t considered dirty or wrong or designed only for reproductive purposes. Rather, using relationships dishonestly is when it becomes wrong. For example (this s my personal deduction), it would be wrong of me to have flings without feelings, or le to someone about my feelings for him to have sex with him, etc. But if I’m in a committed relationship and am in love, regardless of being married or actively trying to have a baby, that relationship isn’t wrong.

Now, let me restate, I’ve read very little, so I might be taking this out f context, but even if I’m wrong, I think this defines MY personal feelings about sex. Sex outside of marriage, but within a meaningful context, isn’t necessarily bad just because you’re missing a piece of paper. And the only reason to have sex ISN’T just to have babies, which I’ve never understood anyway. How can something so fun, so intimate and so connecting only be ok if you’re having babies?? Are infertile couples not supposed to have sex? What about post-menopausal women?

I haven’t read much so far, but what I ave has been endlessly eye-opening. And then again, much of Buddhism is similar to Christianity. Lots of their basic set of rules includes what we Christians call the Ten Commandments.

This Video Makes Me Happy

I’m not sure how or why, but this video of Elton and Billy playing Piano Man makes me so happy. I think because they sing with passion. And partially because Elton messes up. Not that I WANT him to mess up but when celebrities make a mistake it makes them less idolic and more relatable. Not only does he mess up and recover, but I love Billy’s reaction.

Anyway, here it is. If you want to avoid Jay Leno (who I don’t like, and not because of stupid Conan O’Brien, I just dislike him), skip forward six seconds.

Enjoy!

Why Are People With Someone They Don’t Fundamentally Like?

Recently I’ve watched some of my friends’ relationships end. Or end and try to restart. Or sit in the “on but barely functioning” position. And it leads me to wonder, why are people dating someone they don’t like? Or contemplating reigniting the flame of their formerly unsuccessful relationship with a person they’ll only actually “like” if that person changes the core of who they are? It’s very complicated to me. My friend claims it’s three things: 1. Sex makes us stupid 2. Pheromones 3. People think they can change someone else. I agree on two of the three (Sorry, Lynds). I think pheromones are hokey, and an excuse for people to do dumb things. Much like alcohol, only more “breezy” and harder to pin down.

I totally agree sex makes us stupid. Actually, the premise we follow is “sex and the prospect of sex makes us do dumb things.” This is something Bobby Bones said once. And I know I sound super-stalkerish when he inspires stuff I write. I promise I’m not creepy. I think the problem is the Bobby Bones Show is probably the only thing that challenges theories and ideas all day. I work in IT, so I don’t think a lot about human interaction. But I digress. One day Bobby said, “Sex and the prospect of having sex makes us do dumb things.” And a light switch turned on. And I suddenly realized why I’d been making bad decisions. Well, I mean, not all of my decisions were bad. And not all can be blamed on this theorem. But I digress.

More after the jump…

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