An Open Letter To Newly-Divorced Men – Spoiler: Tough Love Ahead

At the risk of sounding insensitive…. Oh screw it.

Disclaimer: I will be a bitch in the upcoming memo to divorced guys. Trust me, it’s for your own good.

Dear newly or almost divorced guys,

Once upon a time I was going to weddings every weekend. Some weekends I’d have more than one wedding to choose from. Open bars were fun. Some of the other wedding stuff (especially the showers) got old. At one point I was complaining and my mom said, “Be thankful. You’re in the early phase. Right now you’re going to weddings. In a few years it will be baby showers and divorces. And baby showers for people trying to avoid divorces. Then it’ll be second marriages. And then you’ll start going to funerals. So you’re in the blissful stage now.”

Well, folks, the train has officially stopped in Divorceville. Population: One million awkward guys.

I write this with love. And a little out of fear. But mostly out of social discomfort.

You guys are freaks!

There, I said it. Divorced guys. It’s like they went into some weird brainwashing cult, and came out minus any social decorum. They say, “It’s been awhile since I’ve been single.” But the behavior they display was NEVER OK. Not in college. Not in high school. Hell, the guys that were lucky enough to be my “boyfriends” in middle school had more tact and self-control than these guys (and there was no sex-having or anything in my middle school – so this truly was the sweet, innocent, first days of learning about love).

My point is, since you seem to have no social decorum, I’m here to help. The awkward you create is awkward for all of us. You will never find a good catch as long as you act this way. You’re not showing interest in someone, you’re showing blind, sweeping, desperation for ANYONE.

So, here are some ground rules.

It’s Not About Waiting To Get Married, It’s About Not Waiting On A Guy To Live

So, my friend Lynds sent me this article called “Delaying Bride-Dom.” I believe she intended for me to relate to it and for it to reinforce my “I’m Single, That’s How I Wanna Be” article.

However, her intention and my reaction hit a fork and went different ways. Let me disclaim: I agree girls should wait to get married and spend their 20s getting to know themselves. They should spend time going to school, traveling, focusing on their careers, becoming self-reliant, working on friendships, spending time with your family, figuring out who you are and what you want.

More after the jump…

Guys: Want To Be Sexier? Do These Ten Things!

On more than one occasion I’ve said, “That’s so sexy.” To the point where my friends think I think EVERYTHING is sexy. That’s not too far off from the truth. Here are ten things you can do (for free!) to make a girl think you’re sexy:

1. Open the door. And I don’t mean like opening car doors or anything awkward. Just hold open the door for the girl when you’re walking in the building. And even nicer? Hold it open for the people coming in immediately after you.
2. Let a girl leave the room first. It’s not like you have to wait for the whole room to clear out. If you’re walking out of a room with a girl, simply let her go through the door first.
3. Offer to carry anything heavy. If there’s something heavy, pick it up before she can. If she’s holding it offer to carry it or simply take it from her. I don’t care how strong you are, it’s always nice to have help!
4. Be nice to your mom. And waitresses. And anyone else who does something nice for you. Show appreciation. And it doesn’t always have to be in the form of an outlandish tip (although tipping nice rather than being stingy is sexy, too). The point is to be appreciative and say “thank you.”
5. Fix something. There are lots of things, no matter where you are, that need to be fixed. Change a tire, replace a light bulb, fix a leaky faucet, replace a broken flapper on a toilet, rewire a house. Sure you don’t have all of these skills, but when you get the opportunity to learn. Do it. So sexy.
6. Be a courteous driver. I mean we don’t want you to be wimps, but scaring the crap out of us with your “masculine rebellion” isn’t sexy to most girls. Keep your temper, and keep us safe. I even think it’s sexy when a guy puts on a seatbelt. (Of course, when we’re parked, being so conservative isn’t on our list of sexy.)
7. Know your stuff and speak your mind. Smart is sexy. If you have an opinion on a topic, speak up. But agree to disagree. While you’re speaking your mind, find a way to do it respectfully. There’s nothing sexier than a guy who is confident enough in himself he doesn’t have to make everyone else agree with him.
8. Stand up for yourself, but don’t fight just to fight. It’s SO sexy when a guy stands up for himself, assuming that doesn’t mean his temper goes off the handle and he punches anyone or anything he can. No girl wants to bail her guy out of jail or nurse a wound at the end of the night, we’d rather be doing more fun stuff. And if you punch a hole in the wall, you better be up to speed on #5. Or you’re for sure out.
9. Compliment us. If you notice something different, compliment it. Or just say we look nice. Every girl likes to hear nice things. And most of the time we’re going out of our way to look nice for you.
10. Be yourself. There is absolutely nothing sexier than a guy owning who he is, quirks and all. We want to know the real you. And chances are that’s more interesting, fun, and sexy than the guy you’re trying to be so we’ll like you.

If you don’t do all of these things, fine (see item #10). They’re not deal breakers. But most of them are simple, and maybe stuff you’ve never thought about. Some guys even think some of this stuff is degrading to women. There are some girls out there who might be offended by this stuff. But even the most “equal rights” girls in the office (hey, I’m one of them!) want to be treated with respect in her personal life. I’ll open a door for a guy (both at home and at work), but I also like it when a guy gets it for me.

Oh, and hey! One more sexy tip? Do this stuff all the time. Not just with a girl you’re trying to get in bed. Because the girl you’re trying to get in bed will notice!