Posts Tagged ‘crazy’

An Open Letter To Newly-Divorced Men – Spoiler: Tough Love Ahead

At the risk of sounding insensitive…. Oh screw it.

Disclaimer: I will be a bitch in the upcoming memo to divorced guys. Trust me, it’s for your own good.

Dear newly or almost divorced guys,

Once upon a time I was going to weddings every weekend. Some weekends I’d have more than one wedding to choose from. Open bars were fun. Some of the other wedding stuff (especially the showers) got old. At one point I was complaining and my mom said, “Be thankful. You’re in the early phase. Right now you’re going to weddings. In a few years it will be baby showers and divorces. And baby showers for people trying to avoid divorces. Then it’ll be second marriages. And then you’ll start going to funerals. So you’re in the blissful stage now.”

Well, folks, the train has officially stopped in Divorceville. Population: One million awkward guys.

I write this with love. And a little out of fear. But mostly out of social discomfort.

You guys are freaks!

There, I said it. Divorced guys. It’s like they went into some weird brainwashing cult, and came out minus any social decorum. They say, “It’s been awhile since I’ve been single.” But the behavior they display was NEVER OK. Not in college. Not in high school. Hell, the guys that were lucky enough to be my “boyfriends” in middle school had more tact and self-control than these guys (and there was no sex-having or anything in my middle school – so this truly was the sweet, innocent, first days of learning about love).

My point is, since you seem to have no social decorum, I’m here to help. The awkward you create is awkward for all of us. You will never find a good catch as long as you act this way. You’re not showing interest in someone, you’re showing blind, sweeping, desperation for ANYONE.

So, here are some ground rules. Continue reading

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Jodi Arias: Don’t Poke The Crazy

I generally shy away from calling people crazy. I think everyone (men and women, although I joke more about women, I genuinely am just joking) has some crazy in them. And when the right buttons are pushed, the crazy flares up. I think some are more prone to crazy, but generally the crazy comes from things like insecurity and unhappiness and feelings of unfairness. But I’ve seen friends who are generally level-headed have their buttons pushed until they’re about to flip out. And then they’re labeled as unstable. Are they really? No, I don’t think so. I think the situation and the circumstance and definitely the people make them crazy. Or crazier. The human spirit, ego and brain can only take so much stretching before it snaps. Some of us have more flexibility, others have more sense than to put themselves in a situation where you’re tested, and others seem to be better at acknowledging their actions are reeling off the deep end. Then there are the poor few who, despite these warnings, despite changes in behavior, despite having to know they’re being crazy, don’t turn their backs and jump in.

Is it strange today’s the first day I’ve read anything on the Jodi Arias trial? And my only real exposure to the trial is on Twitter, where, admittedly I follow mostly sports guys. Yes, men. Some married, some not. The variety is there, but I’m mainly following guys. So my perspective is, “This broad is cray!”

But this morning I decide to read a few articles on my own. Do I still think Jodi is crazy? Yes. And am I a huge believer in, “Don’t blame the victim?” Absolutely. I hate when people blame the parents of a kidnapped child, or the clothes-choices of a victim of rape, or the actions of a murder victim. But that’s what I found myself doing. And definitely not at first. At first I’m reading the stories thinking, “This girl is crazy! She’s obsessed with this guy after dating for less than six months?!” Then I read more and find out she converted religions for him. What the heck? And that HE baptized her!?! What the hell? And all that happened before they officially started dating.

Then I find out that they broke up and he started dating other women and she became obsessed with him and stalked him. OK, so crazy, right? Nope. Reading a few more stories it sounds like they are one of those couples that breaks up but never really breaks up but never really gets back together. This is one of the most damaging relationships you can be in. I’ve been there. It makes you insane. It makes you feel inadequate. It makes you feel insecure and paranoid. It makes you feel like shit, basically. Why do they want me sort of but not totally? Why will they commit to others, but not to me? Why do they chase and won’t let me go, telling me they need me, but it feels like they’re using me.

The answer is, these guys are being jerks. And girls. There are girls who do this, too. They manipulate their way into the lives (and generally beds) of the girl or guy who’s interested. They make you feel just wanted enough to keep re-trying. They’re vague and non-committal, and then when you think they’re really interested, they pull away and act like you’re imagining things. “I never said I wanted anything.” Even if they blatantly did say they wanted something. For a second. A fleeting second.

As sad as it is, the Sugar Ray lyrics for “When It’s Over” capture this phenomenon. The entire song, really, but the one lyric that catches the most is, “When it’s over, can I still come over? When it’s over, is it really over?” I hate to sound old, but I feel like this problem has spread like STDs over the past ten or so years. I mean, I’m sure it always existed. But before cell phones and Facebook and constant access to chatting, this crap wasn’t as prevalent. But now? I hardly know anyone who breaks up and the breakup is final. There’s too much access to too many people. Mark McGrath was ahead of his time. Weird, right? Back in 2001 I had a cell phone, and I remember texting. But you got charged per text, so it was more of a fun thing to do, than the only way you get in touch with someone. Hell, two years earlier I didn’t even have a cell phone! Or, if I did, it was one of those you only turn on for emergencies. I didn’t have MySpace. I had email, but all you got in email were things like forwards or pen pal type letters. No one searched their own name online, and while there were beepers, the only real way to communicate with someone was in person or over the phone.

A few weeks ago I laughed realizing back in the 90s, when you had a problem with a friend, they commonly showed up on your front porch to talk. Or they’d show up to see if you wanted to go do something. There was no mass-texting. And, honestly, it all sounds so exhausting. But that’s only because we’re so consumed with electronics and having virtual friendships. But the good thing was, there wasn’t a lot of booty calling after bars closed. Did it happen? Sure. But mostly people just went home, or went home with someone new. But it was even more terrifying to call someone who lived with his family, or roommates. These things sort of curbed the obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I get when you break up and you’re not ready to move on, it’s easy to want to go a little stalker to see if the other person is happy when you aren’t. Sadly, I’ve been that girl. But the one thing I was smart enough to do when I was 19 years old was say, “This is it. If we break up, we break up. We aren’t “friends.” We don’t still hang out. We don’t call each other. We don’t play the line between friends and more-than-friends. It has to be over. And you can’t come back. I deserve more. We deserve more.” And he was respectful enough to walk way, for real. Did it hurt? For me, more than I thought it could. And there were times I’d try to put myself somewhere just to see him. And I had friends who encouraged that (probably because I was so sad). But luckily, there weren’t cell phones. And we didn’t ever email each other. So aside from calling his parents’ house (wasn’t going to happen, I was too humiliated), the only way I could see him was to force chance and run into him. And even that was humiliating. I was like a drug addict, wanting just one last hit. But the truth was, if I saw him, I never said a word. And I’d generally run away before I did. And if he had led me on, I never would have moved on.

But that’s what it seems like every couple does now. They break up, but it’s never over. And often times, the one who is hurting more can be manipulated and used. And after awhile, that person tends to snap. “Snap” means a lot of different things to different people. Some people make a spectacle of themselves, getting really drunk and bawling publicly. Others will go to the new person in their ex’s life and try to warn them. Partially in an attempt to “help” the other person, but really just to hurt the ex. Others will post stuff online, true stuff, not-so-true stuff, private stuff, blatant lies. And the progression goes on. And there are times I see girls who have been used and lied to and manipulated and led on for so long, I wouldn’t be surprised if they snapped and tried to beat the crap out of the guy. Or worse, kill him.

And you know what? These guys know what they’re doing, but they think it’s her fault for letting it happen. In those cases, both people are actually victims. The one being lied to and led on is a victim while it’s happening. Then when they react and respond, the tables flip and victimizer becomes the victim.

No one wins in these situations. And in the case of Travis Alexander, he paid the ultimate price. And so did Jodi. She seems delusional, but is this really coming out of nowhere? Travis was allegedly very open discussing that he had a crazy stalker. Why did he keep bringing her into the fold? Why didn’t he move on and allow her to move on? Why did he keep her on the back burner? Or even just off to the side of the stove, warming the pot only when the soup threatened to go bad with food poisoning. Or maybe he didn’t care if the soup went bad as long as he could still warm it up occasionally and keep warm near it.

I hate to trample on the grave of a dead man. But I do think it’s important enough to see how something like this can get out of hand. We, as human beings, need to have more respect for the dignity of others. If you don’t care enough about someone to be with them, then let them go. Allow them to heal and move on. Don’t keep dumping salt and gangrene in the wound. Don’t keep tearing it back open at your leisure, when it’s convenient for you. Realize the person you have no feelings for has feelings for you. Don’t laugh at her expense or dismiss her as nobody. Don’t continue to follow her on MySpace and post on her wall about how she’s making the hotness factor of her new town increase just by being there. Don’t have sex with her and take pictures when she shows up unexpectedly.

Simply close the literal and figurative door on the relationship. The sooner you make the end clear and definite, the sooner everyone can move on with their ego and self-respect intact. And the better off everyone is.

Six Reasons I Need Fakebook Anonymous

OK, there’s not really a Fakebook Anonymous. But there should be. Am I right? It’s like 75% of people are annoyed by most or all of the thing, but no one can quit it. I’m one of them. And I’m here writing because I’m on Fakebook hiatus, and I’m jonsing. I don’t even know what for! Do I need to see what someone had for lunch, or that traffic sucks, or another picture of someone’s child (whose parents I really don’t even know)? Hardly anything earth-shattering comes off of the thing, and the fun things, like relationship breakups or nervous breakdowns, are normally hidden or deleted by the time I get there. I never get to see anything juicy. But for those who want a short and sweet list of why you should quit (I’m talking to you, me!)

  1. Religion and Politics – Just as these shouldn’t be discussed on first dates, at Thanksgiving dinner, or while drinking, there’s also not much room for either on Fakebook. Everyone thinks they’re right and everyone else is wrong. And everyone looks like idiots. This extends to all of the inane laws people are demanding on Fakebook. Listen, do you REALLY want more government? Oh, you do? Sheesh. See? I’m annoyed already and we’re only on item 1.
  2. The Trendy Shit – Whatever’s trendy. Like right now it’s people sharing other people’s unhealthy recipes. That shit annoys me. Seriously? You think a “never fry again!” chicken is a good idea when it’s coated in Ritz crackers and elephant semen? Well, good for you, I guess. But stop cluttering my timeline with recipes that are filled with as many fake foods as Fakebook is with fake people. Gross. And the kicker to this is there’s no way to make it stop other than hiding everything person, or unfriending them. And by the time you hide someone, why not unfriend them? Oh, right, we don’t want to piss off any of our fake friends that we’d never talk to if there weren’t Fakebook. Clever.
  3. Games – Not only is there stuff from games and apps cluttering my timeline, but there’s some stupid-ass rule that you have to invite everyone you know to play. I assume this means you get more cows to put in your fake pasture or whatever. I don’t see why you have to bother us people with lives so you can play your inane games.
  4. Ads – Yes, Fakebook has done what Fakebook originally said it wouldn’t do. It’s gone to the ads. This is when you know a company has sold its soul. First were those ads on the side. And now there are ads in your timeline selling sex, lies and bullshit. Typical gimmick advertising. It’s sad Fakebook has stooped so low. But not surprising. And beyond that, timelines are filled with psychos selling Herbalife (Listen, I don’t want to drink sugar for energy. I have sugar in my cabinet.), moms with work-at-home dreams selling Mary Kay, those one things that melt wax, over-priced crappy jewelry, etc. Everywhere you turn, someone’s pushing something. And if it’s not on your timeline, it’s in events. Fakebook gives these predators access to so many people, that they use to make money. No, I don’t want to buy a bag from you, or attend your “girls’ night” wine tasting or sex toy party. I can buy wine at the liquor store and sex toys at a sex toy shop. Like a respectable young woman, thank you.
  5. You See Everything – You know how you un-liked that company who had misogynistic or elitist statuses? Well, too bad your friend is still following them and likes or comments on everything they post. Because now that shit is still in your timeline. Why do I need to see the crap someone else likes or is commenting on? Do I need to be more of a stalker than I already am? And I definitely don’t want to see the political debate another friend is having with SOMEONE I’VE NEVER MET! Why is this? Well, first of all, some people don’t know how to make their statuses/profiles/timelines secure, so they’re the idiots. But since I can’t control that, why do I care? Why does Fakebook think I care? I don’t. I don’t want to see the drivel strangers are posting. Fuck, I don’t even want to see the drivel my fake-friends are posting!
  6. Bragging/Self-Love/Ego-Boosting/Self-Centeredness – Our society has taken on such a me-me-me, ego-stroking, it’s almost like the “Not now, I’m batin’” schtick on Idiocracy. People need their egos stroked endlessly. Don’t get me wrong, I love when I post something I think is funny, or a picture I’ve taken or a project I’ve completed, and people like it. That can be addicting. But timelines are filled with, “I made dinner! Go me!” Or, “I ran five miles. For the tenth time this week!” Or, “I finished school for the semester! I never thought it would end!” Really, do I have to like everything everyone does? What if I don’t care? Should I tell them I finally took a shit after being constipated for five days? That’s pretty successful, too. It’s so weird how much coaxing and esteem-caressing people need. Are we really that lonely, deprived and unsure of ourselves that we need our fake friends that we never talk to in real life to tell us we’re successful, or awesome, or beautiful or funny? I didn’t used to need that. In fact, I think I was happier when I did stuff for ME, not for an audience of mostly-strangers.

And that’s my point. I am NOT happier with Fakebook in my life. I love seeing pictures of friends and family more often than I would if I weren’t connected to them. But do I really need these sorta-friends or friends from the past or friends by extension connected to me? Do I need to see the stuff people I never talked to in high school are doing? Do I need to feel obligated to friend my friend’s friend’s friend that I met this weekend? And that’s the thing. We ARE excited for people we actually care about. And we’re more patient with their political and religious views because we know them. The people we don’t know are like shells of people without a soul.

And that’s what makes it easy for me to want to delete them. I was never REALLY their friend to begin with, anyway. And if I am, I have text. I have a phone. I have email. My REAL friends have other ways to contact me. Sometimes I feel like I’d lose connection with my friends without Fakebook. That’s not true. I’d only lose connection with those I’m not really connected to, and really don’t want to be anyway.

Red Flag: Girls Using A Guy’s Full Name

This is unscientific, but almost 100% accurate. A girl who uses a guy’s first name (David if he goes by Dave, Matthew if he goes by Matt, etc.) is a red flag that she’s trying to make him into someone he’s not and more than likely going to turn into “that one crazy girl I dated.” Do yourself a favor and RUN AWAY from these girls, guy.

And girls, I have also found guys who go by a full name when there’s an easy nickname tend to take themselves too seriously. Or if it’s coming from parents who never called him a nickname, THEY’RE probably too serious.

Like I said, unscientific. And I’ve found the first case to be almost 100% true. The guy/nickname one is less accurate, but still seems to be a good litmus test.

“Calls Themselves Westboro Baptist Church”

I heard the most genius thing on the radio the other day… This guy who gives news briefs and traffic reports (and I love him, by the way, I don’t even know his name) commented on how the Phelps family DIDN’T protest in Goddard and Marion as expected (over the same weekend as Elizabeth Edwards’ funeral). And he said, “The Phelps family, who calls themselves Westboro Baptist Church.”

Yes! Why didn’t I think of that? I’ve read in several places that they’ve lost their tax exemption and their affiliation as a church. Everyone needs to start calling them “the group formerly known as Westboro.” Then slowly degrade on the things that makes them even crazier to the media and people outside of Kansas.

In Kansas we know they aren’t really a church. But non-Kansans often believe this is how we do church in Kansas. News flash: It’s not. And if they are no longer affiliated with a church backing, then maybe their craziness will start to lose steam. I mean, they’ll still be crazy, but instead of being a “church,” they’ll just be a loony toon family. And somehow it seems like that will make them have less of an impact on anything else abroad.

So, for all you out there wondering:

The Phelps family is NOT A CHURCH. They used to be Westboro. Focus on USED TO.

And as I’ve always said, the best thing to do is ignore them. Don’t counter-protest them. Illogical people don’t see logic. Their illogical thought is logical to them. You can’t talk to the stubborn. They’re all of these things. And all they’re trying to do is get a reaction out of you. Give them a reaction and they’re reinforced. Ignore them and they lose their steam. Will they stop? Who knows. They definitely protest less in Topeka because Topekans ignore them. Way to go, Topeka! And the Patriot Guard Riders don’t acknowledge them directly. Instead, they drown out their protests with their motorcycle engines and hide them from sight with American flags. They don’t speak to the group, don’t show emotion, and in fact, also don’t speak at all during the funerals.

Carry on.

Editor’s Note: Here’s the link to the denial of tax exemption I was referring to, along with all of the appeals. As far as I know, they’ve never been re-approved as a church. This is referencing a truck, but I believe they have or slowly are losing all tax exemption.

Four Lokos Ban Es Muy Loco

I cannot believe the American public stands idly by as the government whimsically bans products. Who are they to tell us what we can and cannot drink? Of course I realize they have unhealthy things they will allow because they’re in cahoots with the manufacturer (i.e. Monsanto). But in this case, it’s ridiculous. Why do we need an unorganized body of probably uneducated (in the realm of alcohol, nutrition, caffeine, etc.) telling us what we can and can’t do? And why are people applauding?

Instead, why don’t we put the ownership in the public’s hands? Why don’t adults realize their limits? Why do we need a new law every time we turn around? The seat belt law is a similar rights infringement. Is it safer to wear a seat belt? Sure, in general. But do we need someone making sure we do? No. If I don’t want to wear my seat belt, that’s my choice.

Same’s true for mixing alcohol and caffeine. Is it unsafe to drink Four Loko? At somewhere around 12% alcohol (that percentage is a guess), maybe. Is it unsafe to mix it with other hard alcohol and hammer it? Yes. But newsflash, parents! This is what college students do. Four Lokos took off as a product for a few reasons. First, because it’s a cheap drunk. High school and college students are cheap drunks. And not from the tolerance perspective. But that they’ll drink whatever they can afford, whatever they can get their hands on. I did it, too. And let me tell you. At 19, 20, 21, 22, you can recover a lot faster from a hangover “the cheap stuff” gives ya. And if you go cheap, you can afford to drink the next day. And second, and foremost, it took off in popularity because of the media blitz proclaiming the the devil in liquid form. Hell, when I heard they were going to ban it, I wanted to try it just to say I’d had it.

So tell me this, good people. How will the government ban someone from mixing Sailor Jerry’s and Redline? Yeah, you can’t without banning Redline. So, if we ban Redline for percentage of caffeine, then what’s next? Red Bull? Diet Coke? Iced tea?

Get it together, America. Take ownership for your health. We DO NOT want the government having such a predominant hand in our cookie jar. They’re mostly guided by greed, snap reactions and worst of all, a bunch of people who can’t balance a damn budget or keep good on their word. The less government, the better.

Farrah and Pauly D Would Be a Good Couple. Let Me Count The Ways…

Even though the rumor has been debunked, here’s my list of reasons Pauly D and Farrah would be a good couple.

  1. After his run with the Israeli, I’m convinced Pauly likes the drama. Farrah’s for sure drama.
  2. Pauly wants someone hot and slutty. Hello? 16 and pregnant, with a bounced back body! BAM! No grenade here!
  3. Pauly likes tan. Farrah’s tan.
  4. Farrah needs to get away from her literally choke-holding mother. Pauly could make this happen.
  5. For the way he’s treated so many women, Pauly’s karma is setting him up to be with someone with a voice like Farrah’s.
  6. I can see Farrah at The Shore while Sophia stays with Grandma Farrah. It seems like a perfect fit.
  7. Farrah likes douchebags.
  8. They’re both reality show stars. They can relate.
  9. The rumor started somehow. Probably by Farrah. She’s a little delusional. Again, like the Israeli. And Pauly admitted he thinks she’s hot.
  10. She would totally be into GTL.
  11. Farrah would beat up beats, smile fondly and coddle a vodka cranberry while Pauly spins.
  12. She would jump aboard the Pauly D train, straddling him mid-dance/fist pump. Much like JWow.
  13. I don’t see Farrah with blonde hair extensions, but I do see her not showering for several days. Pauly’s style.
  14. I don’t think Farrah could beat up JWow and she might have to. Unless she invites JWow in the bed with them. Which I can see her doing.

Match made in MTV reality TV heaven? I think so. Pound it up in this one, Pauly D!  Smoosh her.