Posts Tagged ‘psycho’

Six Reasons I Need Fakebook Anonymous

OK, there’s not really a Fakebook Anonymous. But there should be. Am I right? It’s like 75% of people are annoyed by most or all of the thing, but no one can quit it. I’m one of them. And I’m here writing because I’m on Fakebook hiatus, and I’m jonsing. I don’t even know what for! Do I need to see what someone had for lunch, or that traffic sucks, or another picture of someone’s child (whose parents I really don’t even know)? Hardly anything earth-shattering comes off of the thing, and the fun things, like relationship breakups or nervous breakdowns, are normally hidden or deleted by the time I get there. I never get to see anything juicy. But for those who want a short and sweet list of why you should quit (I’m talking to you, me!)

  1. Religion and Politics – Just as these shouldn’t be discussed on first dates, at Thanksgiving dinner, or while drinking, there’s also not much room for either on Fakebook. Everyone thinks they’re right and everyone else is wrong. And everyone looks like idiots. This extends to all of the inane laws people are demanding on Fakebook. Listen, do you REALLY want more government? Oh, you do? Sheesh. See? I’m annoyed already and we’re only on item 1.
  2. The Trendy Shit – Whatever’s trendy. Like right now it’s people sharing other people’s unhealthy recipes. That shit annoys me. Seriously? You think a “never fry again!” chicken is a good idea when it’s coated in Ritz crackers and elephant semen? Well, good for you, I guess. But stop cluttering my timeline with recipes that are filled with as many fake foods as Fakebook is with fake people. Gross. And the kicker to this is there’s no way to make it stop other than hiding everything person, or unfriending them. And by the time you hide someone, why not unfriend them? Oh, right, we don’t want to piss off any of our fake friends that we’d never talk to if there weren’t Fakebook. Clever.
  3. Games – Not only is there stuff from games and apps cluttering my timeline, but there’s some stupid-ass rule that you have to invite everyone you know to play. I assume this means you get more cows to put in your fake pasture or whatever. I don’t see why you have to bother us people with lives so you can play your inane games.
  4. Ads – Yes, Fakebook has done what Fakebook originally said it wouldn’t do. It’s gone to the ads. This is when you know a company has sold its soul. First were those ads on the side. And now there are ads in your timeline selling sex, lies and bullshit. Typical gimmick advertising. It’s sad Fakebook has stooped so low. But not surprising. And beyond that, timelines are filled with psychos selling Herbalife (Listen, I don’t want to drink sugar for energy. I have sugar in my cabinet.), moms with work-at-home dreams selling Mary Kay, those one things that melt wax, over-priced crappy jewelry, etc. Everywhere you turn, someone’s pushing something. And if it’s not on your timeline, it’s in events. Fakebook gives these predators access to so many people, that they use to make money. No, I don’t want to buy a bag from you, or attend your “girls’ night” wine tasting or sex toy party. I can buy wine at the liquor store and sex toys at a sex toy shop. Like a respectable young woman, thank you.
  5. You See Everything – You know how you un-liked that company who had misogynistic or elitist statuses? Well, too bad your friend is still following them and likes or comments on everything they post. Because now that shit is still in your timeline. Why do I need to see the crap someone else likes or is commenting on? Do I need to be more of a stalker than I already am? And I definitely don’t want to see the political debate another friend is having with SOMEONE I’VE NEVER MET! Why is this? Well, first of all, some people don’t know how to make their statuses/profiles/timelines secure, so they’re the idiots. But since I can’t control that, why do I care? Why does Fakebook think I care? I don’t. I don’t want to see the drivel strangers are posting. Fuck, I don’t even want to see the drivel my fake-friends are posting!
  6. Bragging/Self-Love/Ego-Boosting/Self-Centeredness – Our society has taken on such a me-me-me, ego-stroking, it’s almost like the “Not now, I’m batin’” schtick on Idiocracy. People need their egos stroked endlessly. Don’t get me wrong, I love when I post something I think is funny, or a picture I’ve taken or a project I’ve completed, and people like it. That can be addicting. But timelines are filled with, “I made dinner! Go me!” Or, “I ran five miles. For the tenth time this week!” Or, “I finished school for the semester! I never thought it would end!” Really, do I have to like everything everyone does? What if I don’t care? Should I tell them I finally took a shit after being constipated for five days? That’s pretty successful, too. It’s so weird how much coaxing and esteem-caressing people need. Are we really that lonely, deprived and unsure of ourselves that we need our fake friends that we never talk to in real life to tell us we’re successful, or awesome, or beautiful or funny? I didn’t used to need that. In fact, I think I was happier when I did stuff for ME, not for an audience of mostly-strangers.

And that’s my point. I am NOT happier with Fakebook in my life. I love seeing pictures of friends and family more often than I would if I weren’t connected to them. But do I really need these sorta-friends or friends from the past or friends by extension connected to me? Do I need to see the stuff people I never talked to in high school are doing? Do I need to feel obligated to friend my friend’s friend’s friend that I met this weekend? And that’s the thing. We ARE excited for people we actually care about. And we’re more patient with their political and religious views because we know them. The people we don’t know are like shells of people without a soul.

And that’s what makes it easy for me to want to delete them. I was never REALLY their friend to begin with, anyway. And if I am, I have text. I have a phone. I have email. My REAL friends have other ways to contact me. Sometimes I feel like I’d lose connection with my friends without Fakebook. That’s not true. I’d only lose connection with those I’m not really connected to, and really don’t want to be anyway.


Snooki’s Not Trashy. Well, Except When She’s Drunk. And She Generally Is.

Before you get all screamy with me, I’m squarely and fully on Team Snooki. She’s the best thing that’s happened to my life since, well, maybe ever. I know our love affair will be short and sweet, but in true Snooki fashion, I need to live this moment hard and have no regrets.

So, Snooki, who has been amped on meeting a juiced guido since the start finally met a nice farm boy (farthest thing from a guido, says Snooks) and I think she legitimately liked him. Awww, yay for Snickers! She’s finally found the nougat in her life. Well, at least for now. The point is Snooki’s a good person. Sure she said if some dude was gonna climb on top of her she wouldn’t make him get off, but she also finally admitted she hasn’t had sex the entire episode and is looking to settle down. At least she admits it. And she sure as hell has fun finding a dude! I have to give her credit for being the same girl in front of the dudes she meets as she is in the house. Legit move, Snooks. Heart it. So, she’s riding the cowboy. Well , a piggy back ride, don’t get your panties in a bunch and let your crotch show. And she tells him he has to put her down because she’s “not trashy. Well, except when I’m drunk.” Well said. And you know she’s cool as hell because when Mike and Pauly are looking for something to do at the end of the night, they want to wake her up. I think Pauly has a thing for Snicks, but more on that later.

“Alright, cowboy, my crotch is showing. Either you need to pull this pony over so I can get off, or I need about twelve shots of SoCo so I can allow myself to be trashy.”

Later (or earlier, I can’t remember) The Situation is hooking up with some inialiated girl in the hot tub. They’re going to have to bring in a HazMat team to clean that damn thing. And they’re going at it and I start to get bored because it’s the same thing, ever week. And then… THEN!! l I see him stick his tongue out like he’s trying to lick out the bottom of a Snack Pack. Disgusting! Worst. Kisser. Ever! No wonder the girls are one and done. It’s not him shutting them down. It’s him turning them off. Here’s a tip, Mikey: Find a friend (my top choice is our girl, Snickers, more on that later, also) and get some kissing lessons. No girl wants a bad kisser. And only a small portion will stick around to train someone. Especially someone like him who thinks he’s always right. I honestly can’t believe he gets so many girls to go home with him. But I guess when you’re drunk you don’t always connect the dots. Especially at the Jersey Shore, bitch!

“I’m The Fuckin’ Situation. I don’t mind being the worst kisser, you know why? Because that means I’m the best at being the worst. That’s the situation. I get the ladies. Line ’em up. I’ll Snack Pack all of you!”

The group goes to Atlantic City and gets hammered. Just like at “home.” The night was fairly boring except for these five highlights:

  1. Snickers making herself a bubble bath and talks to the cameras while drinking wine (because everyone else was too boring to do anything)
  2. Mike’s a douchebag at dinner and calls Snooki fat. I have to admit, if I hadn’t seen the previews, I wouldn’t have expected it to happen. Low-life move, bro.
  3. Snooki falls off the back of a booth. Television gold.
  4. JWoww pulls a bitch move and tries to cock block Mike because SHE drank too much. Now, I’m sure plenty of people will argue that Mike should have been a friend and left with her, but the thing is, the club will call her a cab and the door guys will make sure she makes it from the door into the cab. And when you arrive at a hotel, the door guys there always see you get out of the cab and into the hotel. It wasn’t like she was at the shore and had to walk six blocks alone. Go be a self-centered ho, JWow. For once I’m on Team The Situation. She’s totally out of line when she punches him and I can’t figure out why the show didn’t send her bitch ass home. That’s what they’ve done in previous seasons, no questions asked.
  5. The girl The Situation and Vinny were sharing was the “hottest girl in the bar.” And she was ugly. Made me feel prettier than I ever have. Nice.

And finally, the best part of the two-hour episode? Pauly and his stalker girl, and everything involved. I think her name was Danielle or something? But I call her Israeli, like Pauly does. He meets her at a bar, lays down some decent game, brings her back to the house and she shuts him down saying she can’t have sex with him until they get married. Here’s crazy girl warning sign number one: when she says “we get married” she’s already sucked onto you like a leach. Run. Fast. Normal girls say, “I’m not having sex until I get married.” And whether or not she has premarital sex does NOT make her crazy in my book, honestly. Good for her.

“Pauly, I know we’ve only know each other for about 20 minutes. But I can’t imagine my life without you. Literally. Will you marry me? We can have sex once we’re married. Please? Please!??! PLEASE! Oh, just fucking do it!”

So, what seems like a few nights later he and Vinny are chilling with three girls on the boardwalk, and suddenly there she is. She acts like a jealous girlfriend. They kiss. He says he’ll call her. Then she shows up a second time. This time with an “I love Jewish girls” shirt. First of all, what guy’s gonna rock that shirt? Second of all, haven’t you only met once? Third of all, are you serious with the shirt? She kisses him again. Tries to pretend like they’ve been together for years. Threatens to not call him if he doesn’t call her. And leaves. The third appearance is as Pauly gets off of a ride with one of the three previously mentioned girls. Initially I think MTV’s playing some wild editing trick. But Pauly says, “At this point, I’ve said bye to her three times.” Seriously, have a little self-respect, sister. You’ve met dude once. If you have to play the crazy card now, you need to find someone else.

“So, baby, here’s what I did. I know the whole religion difference was way too deep on a first drunken night at the Love Shack. So, what I’ve done, which will obviously smooth this over, is I’ve made this horribly gaudy shirt. It says “JEWISH GIRLS” on it. I think seeing that will help you transition nicely to an Italian Jewish husband. Because we’re getting married. So stop looking at other girls. Well, stop looking at anything. And stop breathing. Just come back to my place so I can tie you up. But don’t get any funny ideas. We’re not rockin’ the love boat ’til you put a ring on it. Why are those girls, who you are no longer looking at by the way, acting like I’m crazy? I’m not crazy. I’M NOT!! I’m not crazy! I am your girl. We’re together. We kissed. That means we’re engaged. I bought a ring at the Jewish shirt store. It’s really pretty. It has a red, white and green stone. It’s so pretty. Like me. I would walk away, but I’ll miss you so much. I’ll call you. No, I won’t. You call me. No, I’ll call you anyway. Well, you know if you’d just fucking marry me already, we wouldn’t be having this fight. No, you CAN’T talk.”

Vinny and Pauly get home (alone, mind you) and the duck’s quacking. At first Pauly says not to answer. Then he says to. Then he says not to. Then he tells Vinny to be The Situation. This, folks, introduces my most entertaining moment of the entire two-episode stretch: Vinny imitating Pauly. The fact that she knows it’s Mike freaks me out a little. If she’s only been to the house once, how’s she know dude’s voice? Anyway, Vinny’s impersonation? GOLD! I have a tiny crushlet on him now! He annoys the shit out of Danielle, typical Situation fashion, and she hangs up. Then calls back again, and again, and again, and again. Until they take the duck off the hook. Thank God. Next day she calls and calls Mike “Michael.” First, I think he actually prefers to be called “The Situation.” Second choice seems to be Mike or maybe Mikey? But Michael. Crazy girl warning sign number two: Any girl that calls a guy by his full name is fucking insane! If you or your friends go by a shortened name and she calls you or them by their full name, CRAZY. I promise. I’ve been following this theory since high school and it’s always on-point.

Finally, they go to the club. Crazy McPsycho materializes out of nowhere, insanity blazing in her eyes. She and Pauly fight and fight and fight. And while I think he’s smoothly manipulating her so SHE’LL dump him (because, really, who wants THAT girl?), they leave together. And he says he likes a challenge. A challenge to what? Survive her cutting your balls off? Literally. Yikes. I’ve never been more confused.

That’s all I’ve got for the actual episodes. Now on to the bonus clips! Yes, I watched bonus clips, I admit it. It was some douche interviewing The Situation, Pauly and  Snooki. Like I mentioned above, after I saw Pauly want to wake Snooki up I was like, “That’s weird….” And then during the interview I got a weird vibe/tension from him. I think he actually has feelings for her! And Snooki’s too naïve to realize it. Too bad the show obviously ended before that materialized. And it probably never would, anyway. Knowing Pauly D, he cares more about someone that looks like JWow (and will put up with how she acts, enter Israeli for proof) than someone who looks like Snooki, even though she’s cool as shit. But I digress. There’s no changing that.

In other news, apparently Snooki has hooked up with the world’s worst kisser on at least one occasion. So maybe she’s already teaching him to not be such a snaggle tongue. Maybe if he could keep a girl around he’d stop being a douche. I said maybe, people.

“I don’t have the first damn clue how funny I am. I just know I think The Situation is a fucking douchebag. But guess what? The joke’s on him, I railed his sister. Yup. Sister is to railed as Pauly is to lying to you. Wait. No, what I meant is as Pauly is to husband material. You’re awesome and not crazy. At all. No, I won’t rob you from Pauly. No one will. I can’t figure out why he’s even talking to you. Good luck with that, Pauly. I mean, he’s lucky, that Pauly.”