I’ll Take That Steak WITHOUT A Side Of Screaming Child

OK, I’m sure I’m going to sound like a bitter-hearted, unloving, child-hating bitch. And if that’s what I am for feeling how I feel, then fine. I’ll take the label. But I’ll be damned if I’m not as pleased as 2-4-1 night at a bar when I hear restaurants are starting to crack down on screaming children.


Do I care about the screaming kids at McDonald’s? Not really. I mean, annoying’s annoying no matter where you are. But I am SO sick of going to nice restaurants and listening to someone else’s unruly children being annoying brats. There, I said it. Mean, huh? But those are the thoughts in my head, so I’m going to throw them out there. Honestly? I don’t even think my problem is with the children. My problem is with the lazy, selfish parents. And before anyone goes getting all in a tizzle, here’s my definition of lazy and selfish:

  1. Your son’s screaming. You’re ignoring him because you’re “out to dinner and trying to relax.”
  2. You’re used to it, so you don’t notice it.
  3. You don’t want to pay for or can’t afford a babysitter, and parents gotta eat, too!
  4. The child screams all the time. There’s no point in trying to make her stop. She’ll work it out eventually.
  5. Honestly, I don’t see why it’s anyone’s business. We’re at our own table.

Here’s my response in order.

  1. Newsflash, asshole! That’s why everyone’s out. And it’s kinda hard for everyone else to relax with all the screeching. If you’re at least TRYING to make the situation better, people are more sympathetic. If you’re lazy, people only hate you more.
  2. Let me enlighten you. We’re not used to listening to it. So make it stop. Before we have words with you. That’ll definitely make your evening less relaxing!
  3. Pop quiz: If you can’t afford a babysitter, maybe you also can’t afford dinner. Hey, I’m just being honest. And if you can’t afford dinner, you’ll probably leave a crappy tip. No one wins in this situation, except for you. Pretty selfish. Bad karma points.
  4. The child is screaming for a reason. Step up to the parent plate. Figure out why. And fix it. Or if it’s one of those random times she really is just having a fit, why don’t you let her have it outside? Hey, just a thought.
  5. You might be at your own table, but my ears still hear you. And my ears are annoyed.

Am I a bitch for thinking this stuff? Maybe. Am I insensitive to your plight as a parent. Probably. But I have chosen to not have kids because I am not selfless enough to be a good parent. I want to go to dinner whenever I want. I want to sit at dinner, uninterrupted, and enjoy a relaxing meal. I don’t want the responsibility of another human on my shoulders. I don’t want to have to put someone else before myself. That’s what parents do.


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