Why Are People With Someone They Don’t Fundamentally Like?

Recently I’ve watched some of my friends’ relationships end. Or end and try to restart. Or sit in the “on but barely functioning” position. And it leads me to wonder, why are people dating someone they don’t like? Or contemplating reigniting the flame of their formerly unsuccessful relationship with a person they’ll only actually “like” if that person changes the core of who they are? It’s very complicated to me. My friend claims it’s three things: 1. Sex makes us stupid 2. Pheromones 3. People think they can change someone else. I agree on two of the three (Sorry, Lynds). I think pheromones are hokey, and an excuse for people to do dumb things. Much like alcohol, only more “breezy” and harder to pin down.

I totally agree sex makes us stupid. Actually, the premise we follow is “sex and the prospect of sex makes us do dumb things.” This is something Bobby Bones said once. And I know I sound super-stalkerish when he inspires stuff I write. I promise I’m not creepy. I think the problem is the Bobby Bones Show is probably the only thing that challenges theories and ideas all day. I work in IT, so I don’t think a lot about human interaction. But I digress. One day Bobby said, “Sex and the prospect of having sex makes us do dumb things.” And a light switch turned on. And I suddenly realized why I’d been making bad decisions. Well, I mean, not all of my decisions were bad. And not all can be blamed on this theorem. But I digress.

More after the jump…

Anyway, when sex comes into the picture, we start to act all stupid. I’m not sure if it’s the chasing of the potential sex mate. The anticipation of “will it or won’t it?” Or ultimately the adrenaline surrounding the buildup? Who knows what causes it. All I know is it’s true. And the human race is worse off because of it. As part of this stupidity (I blame the being chased part, which is really fun), we end up making bad decisions. And once you’re so far in, you forget what you’re looking for and what you want. When it’s finally all over, you start to see more clearly. Whereas before you were worried about “will it or won’t it” now you’re asking “WTF?”

Her second theory of pheromones… Well, I think pheromones are hokey. I think they’re a marketing ploy. I think companies try to pretend like there’s something someone can manufacture to attract a mate. In America we like to buy things that will: Make us more beautiful, make us skinnier, and attract a mate. I don’t believe in them. You (and Lyndsey) can go ahead and believe it. I won’t judge. I have enough excuses to act stupid without bringing a figment of my imagination into it!

Finally, I DO agree that people think they can change other people. My boss swears he can change people. I disagree. I will admit there have been times I’ve thought someone will eventually see the light and do things the “right” way. The right way being my way, of course. Sometimes the problems really are problems someone should see and change like alcoholism, inability to keep a job, rage. Other times they’re things we disagree on in which neither person is right: religion, politics, how to raise a family, material purchases, what’s the appropriate amount of affection, how loud or quiet to be, how often to go out or stay in, etc. And most of these things are engrained in us. They’re what make “us” us. I mean, it’s fine to be on different pages with politics, assuming you can accept the differing views. And I’ve seen couples who are different religions respect each other’s religions without expecting them to change their point of view. But the people who date someone who say, “I’ll never marry a conservative Republican” or “I refuse to raise my children Catholic” when they’re dating someone who is a conservative Republican or someone who has no intention of raising their children as anything other than Catholic. It doesn’t make sense. Why not throw that “fish” back to someone who WANTS to raise their children Catholic? And then you can find someone who isn’t intent on raising their children Catholic? (This is assuming you’re dating to marry. Most people are, whether they admit it or not.)

Or worse, I’ve seen people date who fight. Constantly. It’s as if they aren’t even friends, but they’re dating. I feel like dating someone is like having a best friend you get to make out with. Why would you want to date someone you like less than someone you’re friends with?

Who knows? All I know is sticking around with someone you don’t like as a person seems illogical to me. And I don’t know if sex is making people do this? Are they afraid to give up the sex? Are they that afraid of being alone? Do they feel like they’ve invested some time in the relationship and don’t want to give up the time invested? This reason is silly, too, because why would you keep investing in something that’s not working? Would you keep buying face wash that doesn’t keep your face clear? Would you buy that dish at a restaurant if you didn’t like it the first time? No. So why keep around a dude you don’t really like? Silly.

If anyone can offer insight, I’m all ears!


3 responses to this post.

  1. This post was mentioned on Twitter by Disenchanted Girl. Disenchanted Girl said: Why Are People With Someone They Don’t Fundamentally Like?: http://wp.me/pItKB-5p


  2. Posted by Lynds on May 10, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    Oh pheremones. My only reason for using them as an excuse-I immediately think of what that creepo John Mayer said about Jessica Simpson being like sexual napalm for him. Some people just click that way (it also relates back directly to sex making people stupid, I know). But there are just some people that are addictive physically to each other, even if there is no other worthwhile dynamic between them. So I have nothing better to blame it than those pesky pheremones we learned about in high school Biology. =)


  3. In high school we talked about pheromones as much as we talked about evolution (read: not at all). The first time I ever heard about them was at a Slumber Party. And the girl who bought the line about that perfume they sell is probably still single….

    And 1. John Mayer’s a douche. 2. People aren’t addicted to each other, they’re scared of leaving each other and being alone. 3. I heart we can agree to disagree.


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