An Energy Drink in Review: Redline Princess (Part 1)

I’ve been drinking energy drinks for years. I started like any virgin energy drinker, with Red Bull (sugarfree). I drank it so much I didn’t know what else to do with myself. Then one day I walked into the convenience store and saw before me a cute, pink container. Tab Energy. I bought one and it was the most delightful thing my tongue had ever caressed. It tasted like liquid watermelon Jolly Ranchers. I drank the hell out of this stuff, buying it one-off, by the four-pack, however I could get it. I may have even given up water in an attempt to only drink this sweet, frosted deliciousness. Then one day it disappeared off the shelfs of Walmart. Then I bought the last can at my convenience store. Then I couldn’t find it at QuikTrip. Then I couldn’t find it ANYWHERE. I bought my last can out of town (again, the last one at that gas station). And when I googled it, I found they’d discontinued the product months before and were depleting supplies. Not only was it gone, there was no last gasp. No last rush to purchase ten cases. It was simply over.

I laid in mourning for weeks, maybe months. The taste of Red Bull compared to my Tab E was a mockery. It was acidic and burned my throat. I wiped a tear from my eye knowing I had nothing left to live for. But I couldn’t give up! Not today! Not on Rex Manning Day! So I set out in search of the perfect energy drink. If Tab E couldn’t survive in this market, surely there was something better. (To disclaim totally, Tab Energy is now sold in other countries as Tab Fabulous. If only I lived somewhere else!)

Sadly, I tried every single low-calorie/sugarfree energy drink I could get my hands on. I was partial to the small cans because, let’s be honest, the big cans are too manly and not something I want to carry around and be associated with. And the small cans were getting phased out. Even Red Bull was making bigger cans of their noxious beverage.

I finally took to the webosphere. I found several girly-options. Sugar free, cute cans, good tasting (according to their site and review). The sad thing is when you buy online, generally you can only buy by the case. I finally found a respectable companion in Hype Energy. It wasn’t Tab Energy, but it would do. I bought this product by the case for awhile until I got frustrated with ordering online and gave up caffeine all together.

Since then I’ve found Five Hour Energy. The most disgusting thing to ever pass my lips (yes, girls, most disgusting). But it gets the job done. As I was choking down yet another FHE, my friend asked me if I’d ever tried Redline Energy. He said the drink makes your muscles spasm and makes you go crazy. What that whaaa what? More as a joke than anything, I hit up the site and started perusing and was both appalled and intrigued by, “the first physique-transforming matrix to coax your body to burn fat through the “shivering response.” It is a physiological fact that when you shiver, your body releases a large amount of stored body fat in an attempt to bring body temperature back to normal.” I love it.

Then I get to the testimonials and find, “I feel stronger, more capable, and more confident. I have social anxiety disorder and this stuff helps me get over the anxious feelings of insecurity in my day-to-day interaction with clients.” For sure, the next cocaine. Yikes!

I click around some more in search of a girl drink and see the word “princess.” The mother ship is calling me home. I must look.

It’s pink. Sort of (by sort of I mean stretching) cute. I read a little about the product, touting its ability to mimic chocolate as an aphrodisiac. Hmmm. Really? What does this mean? And what’s the difference between this little guy and the one that my friend said makes you shake and go crazy? I click on FAQs and there’s my answer! “Finally, for all the ladies in the house Redline Princess was formulated for WOMEN ONLY. Because it tastes so good, don’t be surprised when you see a lot of dudes trying to hide their fuchsia/pink Redline Princess containers. Redline Princess promotes sustained energy along with mood and mind enhancing ingredients. Princess also contains a special ingredient known as the “love drug” called PEA. PEA is known to promote a euphoric and mood enhancing effect and is the same feel good ingredient contained in Chocolate. Now you can get all of these spectacular effects from Redline Princess without the calories of consuming chocolate and actually burn some fat in the process.”

And you are urged to try only 1/3 of the bottle to begin with. Working up to only half the (8 oz.) bottle at a time. What? Will I die if I shotgun the entire thing the first time? Sounds like it. Help!

OK, I am sooo sold. I can’t buy this stuff fast enough. I hit “back” several times (because their site design leaves a lot to be desired by your average web connoisseur) and click on the “Buy Now!” button. I can buy a four pack? It’s like destiny! Because no way am I putting ANOTHER case of an energy drink I hate in my basement thinking, “Well, I could drink it in an emergency.” You know, when the world finally ends and I need energy in my last minutes before I starve to death. I guess?

Anyway, I bought it. I can’t wait for it to arrive.

Well, and then after that I looked at some other stuff (including the warning label) saying to avoid if you’re overweight. And that it may cause sensitivity to the sun. WHAT? Yikes! And then I read somewhere that it’s been known to cause people to fail amphetamine tests. Double yikes.

Don’t worry, I’ll proceed with caution.

I’ll write my will before trying you, Redline Princess.

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